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No possible way Starmer can survive thing he survived two months ago

THE public has agreed that the thing Keir Starmer had to resign for in February, but did not and which was soon forgotten, must be resigned for again. 

Further details about the appointment of Peter Mandelson, for which the prime minister already had no choice but to leave office in disgrace but unaccountably did not, mean he definitely has to go this time.

Westminster insider Denys Finch Hatton said: “Why on earth is Starmer saying he’s not going to resign? Does he imagine it’s his decision?

“Like King Canute commanding the tide, like Trump ordering an Israeli ceasefire, Starmer’s pathetic attempts to defy reality are doomed. This is career-ending. It was two months ago and it’s no less true now.

“The leaders of all other parties are calling for it, for God’s sake. These aren’t desperate opportunists trying to capitalise on anything that makes headlines. Kemi Badenoch, Nigel Farage; these are politicians of integrity.

“No, there’s no one in Labour calling for it whose word carries the same weight as that Scottish bloke. But we think we can get Carol Vorderman by mid-afternoon. Will she do?”

The Mandelson affair is expected to now be forgotten until after the May council elections, when Starmer will have to resign for it again.

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We'd do a much better tour than Meghan and Harry if we could be arsed. By Prince William

CALL that an Australia tour? Pathetic and desperate. Kate and I would do a far superior tour if we could be bothered to get off our arses.

First of all we’d take the kids, because Oz is where the world’s press were delighted with me chasing a butterfly or picking a flower or some bollocks when I was two. Louis and a kangaroo? They’d lap that shit up, but we can’t this year because we’re busy.

Second we’d do the cliches. Us by Uluru, the Harbour Bridge, and I believe there’s a Big Prawn outside West Ballina. Can’t beat a good photo, as mum proved at the Taj Mahal. I suppose Kate could photoshop us in from home? Actually maybe not.

Third, no way would Kate be on Masterchef. B-list. She’d be on Australia’s top show provided that’s not MAFS Australia because it’s full of volatile scum. Tremendous fun to watch. We might binge another season when we’re on the yacht this summer.

Yeah, we’d kick the shit out of their pathetic tour, which isn’t even an official tour so doesn’t count. They’re the Bootleg Beatles of Royalty, basically. I pity them.

But we can’t because well, Kate and I like our privacy, we need to be here for Dad in case he’s suddenly lying in state, and it’s a long way away, Australia, isn’t it? Takes days to recover from the jet lag. And there’s nothing much there.

It’s not me. I suggested we go to Fiji just last year and Kate was well up for it until I suggested making a little Royal tour of it and her face changed like that. ‘It’s your bloody job not mine,’ she hissed and I’m not correcting her when she’s in that mood.

So sorry, Australia, that’s kind of where we’re at right now. Sort of a homebody phase of the marriage. Dad won’t mind doing the US, he’s only 77 and a cancer survivor. But just remember, if we did come, which we won’t, it’d be f**king great.

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