Owen Paterson keeping his other jobs

OWEN Paterson has resigned his position as an MP while keeping the job he got in trouble for that earned him half-a-million pounds. 

The former member for Shropshire North has been forced to end his glittering political career by cruel malcontents, with only the minor consolation of his lucrative lobbying work.

He said: “The government risked its whole reputation to save me from a 30-day suspension before changing its mind. They could have tried harder but their loss.

“This means I will lose my MP’s salary of £81,932, which will be a severe blow, while keeping my consulting positions with Randox and Lynn’s Country Foods which earn me a mere £120k a year for six weeks’ work. I’ve been sorely punished.

“I will remain a public servant and will serve the public by taking on even more consultancies and lobbying government, but for vastly more money, and less hassle.

“I will also earn shitloads giving rabidly pro-Brexit speeches, but I hope not to end up as the leader of UKIP. Boris will have me in the Lords before a year’s out. They’re in dire need of more nutters.”

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Are you punching above your weight in your relationship?

ARE you the hot one in your relationship, or are you punching well above your weight? Take our quiz:

What do friends say when they first see your partner?

A) They smile warmly and say ‘I’m sure they’re beautiful on the inside’.

B) They just stand there, stunned, with their jaws on the floor. After a few minutes they come to and ask if this is some kind of sick joke.

How do people describe your partner?

A) They tend to focus on their personality, which they say is amazing, and don’t mention physical features.

B) Usually through clenched teeth, when they literally tell you to your face that you’re punching above your weight.

Do people flirt with your partner?

A) Occasionally, which you can’t get mad about as it’s great for their self-esteem.

B) All the time, even though you’re right there holding your partner’s hand very tightly.

What would you do if your partner left you?

A) Feel sad for a little while before remembering there are plenty more fish in the sea.

B) Resign yourself to a life of misery. They were the peak of your existence and it’s all downhill from here.

Are you a man?

A) No
B) Yes


Mostly As: You are the more attractive person in your relationship, but only in physical terms. Looks fade but charisma doesn’t, so you’d better try your best to keep hold of them as you get progressively uglier.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations, you are going out with someone who’s well out of your league both in terms of appearance and personality. Don’t screw things up, because miracles like this don’t happen to the same person twice.