Speed of local takeaway's turnaround time genuinely concerning

A MAN is concerned that a takeaway can cook and deliver his order in the same amount of time it would take him to make a piece of toast.

Martin Bishop ordered enough food to feed his family of six from his local Chinese restaurant and was horrified when it arrived within eleven minutes.

Bishop said: “Surely it isn’t possible to cook two portions of chilli beef, one sweet and sour chicken, three rice and 20 spring rolls in five minutes? Surely?

“With that kind of speed, you might expect that corners have been cut and the food has been sitting in Tupperware all day before being zapped to boiling point in a microwave and put on the back of a moped.

“But their website states that all food is made using traditional family recipes and freshly cooked to order. There’s even a picture of the proprietor John on it. He’s a white guy from Gloucester.”

John Logan, owner of the takeaway, said: “We pride ourselves on the quality of our food. Especially the slow-cooked beef with black pepper sauce, which takes eight entire minutes.”

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The Crystal Maze, and other shows you're stupid enough to think you'd be brilliant at

DO you spend your time watching telly, eating crisps and saying ‘I could do that?’. Here are some shows you’d make an utter twat of yourself on:

Bear Grylls: The Island

You reckon within a few hours of landing you’d be putting your feet up while you roast a wild boar over a fire. In reality, you’d fall over while clambering off the boat, sprain your ankle and get stung by a jellyfish. Then you’d beg to be taken home.

The Crystal Maze

In your head you’d be sweeping up crystals left, right and centre as you breezed effortlessly through the Aztec Zone. Whereas, actually, you’d make a massive balls up of a profoundly simple task while the rest of your team yelled at you, and the clip would humiliatingly go viral online.

The Cube

Despite the show’s entire premise being that relatively simple tasks become incredibly difficult under pressure, you still think you’d smash it. In reality, you’d end up struggling to roll a ball into a hole, and have a panic attack so intense you’d need to be rescued from the perspex box while Phillip Schofield looked on disdainfully.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Although people rarely make it the million pound question, you think your excellent general knowledge skills would get you there in no time. However, you’d go to pieces under the mocking gaze of Jeremy Clarkson, and your mind would go so blank with fear that you wouldn’t be able to remember the name of the Titanic during the first round.


Gladiators is the show you’re convinced you would have easily won, thanks to the incredible physique you know is lurking somewhere beneath all the rolls of fat you’ve gained since the show tragically went off air. The truth is that being in the mere vicinity of Jet would have turned your arms to jelly and you’d have fallen off the Hang Tough rings in two seconds.