Please notice me, by Sir Keir Starmer

NOTICE me. Please notice me. Have you noticed me yet? Do I have to take some kind of principled idiotic stand or something? 

Okay then, I promise to resign if I’m fined for doing the thing I didn’t do. Yeah, now you’re paying attention. You might be saying ‘what a f**king idiot’ but you’re saying it about me.

Yes, me, the Labour leader. For the last two years. All that time I’ve been sensible, morally upstanding, forensic at PMQs and nobody’s given a shit. So I’ve decided to take a massive gamble and throw it all away.

Is he guilty? Isn’t he? Who knows? It’s like the Strictly vote-off or whatever you people watch. It’s all hanging in the balance! Perhaps now you’ll pay attention!

Thinking about it, I should have come up with some policies for this spotlight moment. We’ve got ‘not being the Tories’, which is strong, and I personally have got ‘not being Boris’ absolutely down. But something on cost of living wouldn’t have hurt.

Never mind, you know who I am now. I’m the guy who’s going to resign! If he’s guilty. Or the guy who isn’t! The honorable dude! Like the knights of old!

So that’s me, Sir Keir Starmer! The man who’ll resign! What do you mean, that makes me sound unreliable and weird? Honestly? You still prefer Boris? F**k the lot of you.

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Your top five character flaws, ranked!

EVER wondered which of your deficiencies as a person really seals the deal? Find out: 

5. Your laziness

Only at the bottom of the list because you won’t be arsed to read any further. Your life is a series of half-baked endeavours you never see through because you’re a quitter. if you’d ever put in an ounce of effort then you could have been a loser in a completely different but slightly less predictable way.

4. Your stubbornness

It’s difficult to be told you’re stubborn because you react by bellowing ‘f**k you I’m not’ then storm out. But listen to your friends, family, colleagues and the staff at the Co-op: you are indeed an obstinate dickhead who needs to learn to accommodate others. Save face by saying you knew this all along.

3. Your overconfidence

Whether you’re offering advice about a job you know nothing about, relationships you’re not privy to or visiting places you’ve never heard of, you bluster in with inordinate misplaced confidence and make everything worse. If there was a bomb that needed defusing you would chip in with helpful tips because you once half-watched The Hurt Locker on a plane. You’re overconfidently ignoring this advice right now.

2. Your shyness

Only the loud and proud get anywhere in this world, yet here you are anxiously rehearsing your Starbucks order to yourself in the queue. It’s time you asserted yourself by following the advice of others to assert yourself. Stand up straight and stop bloody mumbling for starters.

1. Your personality

It’s bad enough that you’re lazy, stubborn, overconfident and shy, but these character flaws pale in comparison to your actual personality. At your very core you’re a deceitful, spiteful, people-pleaser with every other negative trait a person could possess. And yet you still manage to be boring. It’s almost impressive.