Anything that touches Theresa May’s new Brexit plan will die, doctors warn

DOCTORS have confirmed that the prime minister’s new Brexit plan is so extravagantly toxic that any living thing that touches it will die. 

The plan, unveiled yesterday, has already caused the evacuation of Parliament and the decontamination by immolation of an unnamed Conservative backbencher who briefy brushed past it in the panicked rush for exits.

Clinical toxicologist Dr Helen Archer said: “The combination of alternative arrangements on the backstop, workers’ rights, a customs union and a second referendum has created a deal more radioactive than polonium and more fatal than the deadliest neurotoxins.

“Trees wither within half a mile of it. Birds flying overhead drop from the sky. Animals abandon their young to flee its scent on the wind.

“Just based on her proximity to the plan May is tainted for life and will have to be sealed in concrete and never again have physical contact with another living human, which senior Tories say was pretty much her retirement plan anyway.

“It is, fortunately, already completely dead and should fade from headlines entirely within no more than a week. Do not look at it directly until then.”