Monday, 25th May 2020

Are you a member of the Conservative party or a Bond villain?

YOU’RE sitting alone, stroking a cat, plotting the destruction of Britain. But are you a member of the Conservative party or just a blameless Bond villain? Find out: 

Where are you based? 

A) A tropical island where you’ve carved a 90ft replica of your own face into a mountain, with eyes that open up to release swarms of killer robots. B) A rural area in the south of England where residents are still quivering with outrage about the fox-hunting ban.

Do you have any distinctive physical features? 

A) A third nipple, a scarred face, pincer hands, heart on the right side of body, eyepatch and metal teeth. Otherwise no. B) The veins in your forehead stand out when you talk about Brexit and your mobility scooter has Union Jack plates.

How do you plan to take over the world? 

A) Options include hijacking a nuclear arsenal, detonating a chain of supervolcanos, space lasers and nanomachines that turn chickens into ruthless killers. But undecided. B) No-deal Brexit.

How will you deal with James Bond? 

A) Genetically-modified, AI-assisted coyotes will hunt him down and bring me his corpse. Failing that I’ve got an army of henchmen, and if they’re no good I’ll hiss ‘I shall deal with him myself,’ before picking up a rocket launcher. B) Cut his funding. F*cking foreign aid budget.


Mostly As: You’re a good guy who’s been dealt a tough break in life. Face up to your trauma, heal and move on.

Mostly Bs: You are one of the most evil people to have ever lived, and cannot be stopped. You will doom us all.