Are you a member of the Conservative party or a Bond villain?

YOU’RE sitting alone, stroking a cat, plotting the destruction of Britain. But are you a member of the Conservative party or just a blameless Bond villain? Find out: 

Where are you based? 

A) A tropical island where you’ve carved a 90ft replica of your own face into a mountain, with eyes that open up to release swarms of killer robots.
B) A rural area in the south of England where residents are still quivering with outrage about the fox-hunting ban.

Do you have any distinctive physical features? 

A) A third nipple, a scarred face, pincer hands, heart on the right side of body, eyepatch and metal teeth. Otherwise no.
B) The veins in your forehead stand out when you talk about Brexit and your mobility scooter has Union Jack plates.

How do you plan to take over the world? 

A) Options include hijacking a nuclear arsenal, detonating a chain of supervolcanos, space lasers and nanomachines that turn chickens into ruthless killers. But undecided.
B) No-deal Brexit.

How will you deal with James Bond? 

A) Genetically-modified, AI-assisted coyotes will hunt him down and bring me his corpse. Failing that I’ve got an army of henchmen, and if they’re no good I’ll hiss ‘I shall deal with him myself,’ before picking up a rocket launcher.
B) Cut his funding. F*cking foreign aid budget.


Mostly As: You’re a good guy who’s been dealt a tough break in life. Face up to your trauma, heal and move on.

Mostly Bs: You are one of the most evil people to have ever lived, and cannot be stopped. You will doom us all.

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Britain wonders if any television will ever be big enough

BRITONS have realised that there is no theoretical limit to the size of the television they would buy. 

As 55in televisions become standard and 85in televisions increasingly loom over Britain’s future, the country has agreed there is no need to stop there.

Donna Sheridan of Hereford said: “What’s better in life than telly? Nothing, right? So why restrain ourselves?

“Apparently these new 8K TVs look as real as real life. That isn’t enough for me. We’ve got to go much, much realer.

“Ideally, I’d like a whole wall of a room to be an image of such glowing, pin-perfect perfection that the rest of the world fades away by comparison, an image I could step into but never do.

“Then I’ll use it to watch an episode of Frasier and it’ll look like absolute dogsh*t.”