Tory MP apologises for letting Greenpeace protester live

THE Conservative MP accused of assaulting a Greenpeace protester has apologised to fellow dinner guests for not using lethal force. 

Mark Field protected fellow diners from the risk of a person who they may not have agreed with by removing her safely by the neck, but admitted he was criminally negligent for not bringing a weapon with him.

He continued: “I should never have gone to the annual Merchants and Bankers Dinner at Mansion House without being tooled up. What was I thinking?

“I’ve got a whole arsenal at home – pull the Thatcher memoir from the shelves, the wall opens up, 31 guns and 18 edged weapons, backlit – but I had to use my hands, and Parliament’s made me soft.

“What I should have done? Backwards out of the chair, tuck and roll, two warning shots into the torso, tuck and roll into cover, blindfire six rounds, tuck and roll, double-tap to the head.

“Bish bosh. Job done. Round of applause.”

When informed that he may be charged with assault, Field said: “But she’s a lefty.”

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Which of these men will be Britain's last Tory prime minister?

by Conservative member Denys Finch Hatton

THE dead wood – women, people of colour, wets, nutters – has been whittled away. But who will be the last ever Conservative in Downing Street? 

The battle between the traditionally chinless Hunt and the boldly two-chinned Johnson will rage, but only one man can bury forever like nuclear waste the prospect of any Conservative winning an election ever again.


The man who as Health and Culture Secretary made it his job to ensure that neither health nor culture remained as viable options, he saved the public purse millions.

Has a natural advantage in negotiations and interviews because everyone is constantly afraid of calling him the Anglo-Saxon variation of his surname, and therefore distracted.

Was unable to completely destroy the NHS as health minister, so will be unlikely to finish the job as PM.


Beneath a veneer of shambling incompetence beats the arrhythmic heart of a politician of shambling incompetence.

A grand institution like the Tories deserves to go out with a bang and with a track record of lying, adultery, ill-fated Thames crossings and Brexiting for personal profit Boris would consign them to oblivion in spectacular style.

It should be someone who’s had a nanny, really. For old times’ sake.