Woman unsure if she's in hipster cafe or millennial office

A WOMAN who walked into a building full of young people working on Macbooks on wooden tables is unsure whether she should buy a coffee or ask for start-up funding. 

Londoner Eleanor Shaw passed the window of a place full of comfortable cushions and filament light bulbs and took a punt on it being somewhere she could either get a croissant or develop an app.

She said: “They gave me a flat white and drew a handlebar moustache on the foam, so that’s not conclusive either way.

“It was full of pot plants, there was a bicycle on the wall and I was shown a chair and given the wifi code, so I was leaning toward café.

“But everyone was joylessly tapping away at their Macs exactly like an office, not looking up or making any conversation, but then again maybe that’s because it was a café and none of them knew each other.

“I never did found out which it was. They all ignored me while I drank my coffee so I f*cked off without paying. Or getting £150,000 of seed investment. Either way.”

Plan to get ripped for summer put off until August

A MAN’S plans to get himself a beach-ready six-pack in time for summer have been postponed until August at the absolute latest. 

Joe Turner, aged 28, still believes he will have a toned torso for summer despite the fact it is already, technically, summer.

Girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “Joe’s planning a soft launch for his body improvement plans in July, which means he’ll leaf through a copy of Men’s Health while trying to remember if he’s already in a gym.

“He claims that his body responds really well to exercise and ‘the core strength is still there’ from a few years ago, but I think his body’s been responding a bit too well to crisps and lager.”

Turner said: “I can’t wait to be absolutely shredded on the beach and have all that body confidence inspiring everyone around me.

“Though it doesn’t look like it’ll clear up this year, so by summer I mean those warm weeks we get in early May meaning realistically I can relax until at least February 2020.”