Tuesday, 26th January 2021

Britain not drunk enough to accept Boris Johnson will be next prime minister

THE UK has demanded that confirmation that Boris Johnson will be prime minister be delayed to around 1.30am on Saturday. 

With the final two candidates to be decided later today, Britons have requested that the news be held until at the very least 11pm tonight so they can numb it with alcohol.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Boris Johnson. Prime minister. I can’t handle that sober.

“Yeah, he’s got to beat Hunt or Gove. But let’s face it, if you find yourself placing any hope or faith in those clueless w*nkers it’s already too late.

“I’m going to begin with beer to quell the dread in my stomach, move on to whisky to head off the terrible despair, then finally blot it all out completely with tequila.

“Hopefully I’ll wake up in the morning having accepted the fact that he’s going to be the leader of the country without having to suffer all of the debilitating effects that come with that realisation. It’s the responsible thing to do.”

Dr Francesca Ryan of the General Medical Council said: “We’re rescinding all warnings about minimum units. And daytime drinking. And drinking at work.”