Britain not drunk enough to accept Boris Johnson will be next prime minister

THE UK has demanded that confirmation that Boris Johnson will be prime minister be delayed to around 1.30am on Saturday. 

With the final two candidates to be decided later today, Britons have requested that the news be held until at the very least 11pm tonight so they can numb it with alcohol.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Boris Johnson. Prime minister. I can’t handle that sober.

“Yeah, he’s got to beat Hunt or Gove. But let’s face it, if you find yourself placing any hope or faith in those clueless w*nkers it’s already too late.

“I’m going to begin with beer to quell the dread in my stomach, move on to whisky to head off the terrible despair, then finally blot it all out completely with tequila.

“Hopefully I’ll wake up in the morning having accepted the fact that he’s going to be the leader of the country without having to suffer all of the debilitating effects that come with that realisation. It’s the responsible thing to do.”

Dr Francesca Ryan of the General Medical Council said: “We’re rescinding all warnings about minimum units. And daytime drinking. And drinking at work.”

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Worst person you know sharing inspirational quotes again

THE worst person you have ever met is once again posting images with inspirational quotes over them on your social media feed. 

The person, who is lazy, ignorant and hateful to others, has already today posted calls to work hard to achieve your dreams, never stop learning and to open your heart to show how much love is there.

Mutual friend Susan Traherne said: “When you’ve just come off a blazing row with someone about homelessness being all homeless people’s fault, it really rankles to check your phone and see them quoting Buddha.

“Also I don’t think ‘You know when you’re in love because your reality is finally better than your dreams’ sounds like the kind of thing Einstein would say. Prove me wrong.

“The thing is, when they’re not sharing the importance of a positive mindset they’re a spiteful, bigoted gossip, openly hateful about anyone briefly out of earshot. Really we should be posting the quotes to them.”

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “There is a direct link between posting ‘Make your life your masterpiece’ over a black-and-white image of a mountain and being a twat.

“Maybe following advice like that makes you a twat? I don’t know. I just scroll past it.”