Saturday, 4th April 2020

Are you batsh*t enough to be a Downing Street adviser?

BORIS Johnson and his grand vizier Dominic Cummings are hiring advisers who believe in eugenics and forced contraception. Are you unhinged enough to be one?

Do you call yourself a maverick?

Do you consider your inability to iron shirts and conversational tactlessness to basically make you Tom Cruise buzzing MiGs in the Cold War? Did you only get a 2:1 in political science because your eyesight is too poor to fly a plane? Join the government.

Do you enjoy being controversial for no reason?

If you’ve spent a lot of time being a dickhead on social media because your only joy comes from irritating others, why pass up the opportunity to troll the whole of the UK?

Have you got zero appropriate qualifications?

Be gone, qualified civil servants! From now on the government will happily employ people whose previous work experience is Disney Store greeter and ice-cream van bouncer, as long as they’re willing to challenge Dominic Cummings with fresh new views on ley-lines.

Have you got some really weird and dark beliefs?

Were people too quick to judge the Nazis? Is the Earth hollow? Are we all living in a simulation? Should pretty people be forced to wear ugly masks? Should microdosing LSD be a part of every workers’ day? If you answered ‘yes’ to any or all the above, the job’s yours.

Are you essentially a lunatic with a blog?

You don’t even need to bother with an interview. Start forming government policy today.