Are you batsh*t enough to be a Downing Street adviser?

BORIS Johnson and his grand vizier Dominic Cummings are hiring advisers who believe in eugenics and forced contraception. Are you unhinged enough to be one?

Do you call yourself a maverick?

Do you consider your inability to iron shirts and conversational tactlessness to basically make you Tom Cruise buzzing MiGs in the Cold War? Did you only get a 2:1 in political science because your eyesight is too poor to fly a plane? Join the government.

Do you enjoy being controversial for no reason?

If you’ve spent a lot of time being a dickhead on social media because your only joy comes from irritating others, why pass up the opportunity to troll the whole of the UK?

Have you got zero appropriate qualifications?

Be gone, qualified civil servants! From now on the government will happily employ people whose previous work experience is Disney Store greeter and ice-cream van bouncer, as long as they’re willing to challenge Dominic Cummings with fresh new views on ley-lines.

Have you got some really weird and dark beliefs?

Were people too quick to judge the Nazis? Is the Earth hollow? Are we all living in a simulation? Should pretty people be forced to wear ugly masks? Should microdosing LSD be a part of every workers’ day? If you answered ‘yes’ to any or all the above, the job’s yours.

Are you essentially a lunatic with a blog?

You don’t even need to bother with an interview. Start forming government policy today.

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Man's phone keyboard still makes the typing noises

A MAN’S phone is still making a little noise every time he presses a key, it has emerged.

Nathan Muir’s otherwise modern mobile device makes an audible clacking sound with every single letter that he types, much to the irritation of friends, colleagues and fellow commuters.

Muir said: “I know I can silence it but I choose not to. If you have a problem with it you can always leave the quiet carriage.

“Jabbing out a message to the clack of 1930s Remington typewriter makes me feel like I’m a hotshot journalist reporting on the latest scoop, whereas in reality I’m asking my ex-wife when I can pick up the kids.

“She says the keyboard sounds weren’t connected to her decision to leave me, but her new fella’s phone is as quiet as the grave. Meanwhile if I could add swooshy noises when I swipe up the screen I would.”

Co-worker Donna Sherridan said: “Silencing the keyboard is the first thing we all do when we get a new phone. You’d have to be a nutter to leave it on.

“It’s different from when I browse my phone’s library of ringtones at maximum volume in the canteen at lunch. That’s necessary.”