Coronavirus: how to make it work for you

THE coronavirus is the hot new viral sensation on everyone’s lips right now. But how can you make it work for you? 

Claim your work enemy is a super-spreader

Got a sociable colleague you detest? Smear them as a super-spreader, and watch as someone who’s been getting the best freebies for years by snidely saying ‘I’m not sure Janine is strategic enough’ become increasingly bewildered as people don masks and sit far away from him.

Overrule takeaway orders

Stop your partner ordering Chinese every takeaway night by raising vague suspicions. When asked what food prepared in Kiddiminster has to do with a virus in China, simply make something up about imported prawns carrying the virus dormant within their frozen bodies, you know, like the mammoth in TV drama Fortitude.

Get out of a work conference

You really feel it’s best you don’t attend the 2020 data retention conference just outside Utrecht now, what with everything. What if you sit near a Malaysian man and he breathes on you and you’re off for six weeks then sue work? Not worth the risk.

Finally see China

An overseas trip at a bargain-bucket price without the usual tourist crowds? Seven-star luxury and no queue to see the Terracotta Army? Just try not to notice the face masks, overflowing hospitals or palpable air of panic.

Sorely-needed me time? 

Claim you’re just back from China, even if you’re not. Get into bed with a family bag of Kettle Chips and explain that you are self-isolating. Request that all meals are left outside your door on a tray. Repeat for six weeks.

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Mum just so f**king excited about daffodils

A MOTHER is absolutely losing her shit at seeing daffodils blooming again, her family have confirmed. 

Emma Bradford, a 49-year-old mother of three, is just about out of her f**king mind that the spring perennials are back on the scene and has already bought enough for every room in the house.

Son Barney said: “She’s been buzzing with anticipation since the beginning of February, then she finally saw ‘that welcoming splash of yellow’ in Sainsbury’s and basically went apeshit.

“We’ve all been bombarded with pictures on the family WhatsApp; mum with daffodils, the daffodils in jars, the daffodils in the garden three doors down that ‘haven’t come out yet but any day now’.

“If I’ve been sent one picture captioned ‘Spring has Sprung!!’ I’ve had 20. And now she’s bought us each a bunch ‘to brighten things up!’

“Sometimes I think she only likes them because they’re cheap. We don’t get any of this when irises are blooming.

“Anyway, I’ve muted the conversation.”