Six ways the British press could actually get worse

BRITISH newspapers are famous for intrusive coverage, personal hate campaigns and outright lies. But could they sink lower?

Openly campaign for fascism

Attacking the judiciary and constantly demanding harsher right-wing policies is well Nazi. Not long before the Mail runs the headline END THIS RIDICULOUS DEMOCRACY NOW with an offer for free meadow flower seeds above it.

Print masturbation tips next to stories

The excessive use of bikini shots in any circumstances suggests newspapers expect male readers to have a good tug. This could be aided by tips such as ‘Why not try lying on your hand?’ or ‘Is it time to upgrade your dildo?’

Regress into childish abuse

Tabloids love to patronise their admittedly cretinous readers, so write articles aimed at six-year-old literacy levels like ‘Stinky beard man smells like tramp’ or ‘Nasty Mr Barnier being mean to mummy and daddy’.

Print people’s exact address, phone number and daily routine

Hounding individuals is standard practice, so once a victim has been selected there should be full details of where to find them at specific times of day. This isn’t encouraging violence or intimidation, it’s just a newspaper’s duty to inform its readers.

Make everything up

Rather than just lying frequently, the papers could become wholly fictitious. The Telegraph has made excellent progress in this area with alternate-reality stories such as ‘How Britain is already £46,000 per person richer’ and ‘Why all the cool dudes are 90’.

Assassinate famous people in a literal sense

Britain’s papers genuinely hate their chosen celebrity targets, so why not start slaying them? Changes to the law would be needed, but some interesting stories would result: ‘PIERS MORGAN: How I finally bagged Gary Lineker with a sniper rifle’.

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Be prepared to meet weirdos: The middle-aged guide to dating

ARE you a middle-aged singleton unused to the terrifying new world of online dating? Here’s how to minimise the trauma.

Remember online dating is not Amazon
Sadly you can’t just pick your favourite one, like when you’re buying a Magimix or a Flymo. Be realistic – that 20-year-old fitness instructor is not going to be interested, however much it would piss off your ex.

Get back into shape
Chances are you’ve let yourself go a bit, so hit the gym. But don’t get obsessed with it and develop ‘middle-aged exercise scrawniness’. This is when you’ve burnt off every last gram of fat and look as if you’re 200 years old, not 43.

Remember you can’t just get shitfaced like when you were 20
It’s likely most of your youthful relationships began by getting drunk and ending up in a tongue-joust. It’s ridiculous, but grown-up dates will insist on going for a meal instead of just necking a bottle of Thunderbird and wanking you off.

Be prepared to meet weirdos
It’s a cliche, but fully expect to meet people who’ve posted a picture from 15 years ago – or possibly of someone else. Arrange dates somewhere cheap, because you’ll have bought a lot of drinks before you meet someone who isn’t weird in some way, eg. closet religious maniac, collector of stuffed weasels, lives in a tent, etc.

Stay within your age bracket
Conversation can be difficult if a younger person is confused by your dated cultural references. And who wants to go out with someone who doesn’t laugh at hilarious comments like “Hey, remember Mr Noseybonk?”