EXTREME weather events have been ordered to concentrate on Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland where they do not mind because they are used to it.
Following Storm Ciara and Storm Dennis’s incursions into rural England where decent people live, the government has instructed all futher storms to restrict their effects to the UK’s lesser countries.
Environment secretary George Eustice said: “Look at the maps. Ireland, Wales and Scotland only exist to get between England and the Atlantic Ocean.
“Wales is essentially a series of cloud-catching mountain ranges with handy gutters to deliver water to the sea and if some of those are inhabited, that’s their lookout.
“And the Scots surely realise that they’re metaphorically the bit on the front of the snowplough, clearing the way for the busy people. Why fight it?
“All future storms must exhaust themselves on those people of the regions and leave England out of it. And yes, even the North. We like them now.”