Beach breaks ruined by refugees’ unbreakable human spirit

BRITISH tourists on the Greek island of Kos are having their holidays spoiled by refugees’ stubborn desire to live.

Hard-working British people expecting a relaxing week in the sun are instead being confronted with bedraggled figures stumbling from the sea thanking God for allowing them to live one more day.

Norman Steele, from Darlington, said: “I’m trying to get a sun tan while reading a Ken Follett novel so I can’t have any distractions.

“And the children, all of whom have this really weird thousand-yard stare, put my wife off her dolmades even more than the dolmades did.”

Steele’s wife, Alison, added: “Why travel all this way just to be miserable?”

Sabah Zedan, who fled Syria, said: “The triumph of the human spirit over adversity can be terribly annoying for other people.

“I promise I will join in with the next drunken chorus of Sweet Caroline while trying not to think of my broken homeland.”

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Blatter unveils enormous gonads

SEPP Blatter has confirmed he has quite tremendously huge testicles.

The FIFA president placed the twin distended spheres on a dais, to the spontaneous applause of paid supporters, and said he must remain in post simply to do them justice.

Blatter said: “Do these look like the joy-onions of a quitter to you?

“Corruption in FIFA? These gigantic plums prove that I knew nothing of it and that I am delighted it’s being rooted out so my reign of unimpeachable honesty can continue.

“Did you see them swell when I said that?”

UEFA president Michel Platini said: “I went to his office to demand his resignation, and he just held up his hand and bade me watch the small objects – an ashtray, car keys, a small statue of Ronaldo – orbiting slowly around his vast gonads.

“How can we stand against them? They will crush us all.”

Blatter added: “When I’m re-elected – not if, when – this afternoon, I will confirm that the 2026 World Cup will be held in North Korea for reasons that are none of your business.

“Who would dare? A guy packing these bad boys, that’s who.”