New species was man’s earliest annoying relative

ARCHAEOLOGISTS have unearthed bones of man’s first annoying relatives, who were always turning up at his cave on weekends.

Early hominid Australopithecus Deyiremeda shared genetic material with Homo Sapiens, which meant they were always organising tiresome ‘family’ social events which man was loathe to attend.

Scientist Mary Fisher said: “This species made a big deal out of being related to man, and was always inviting itself around for meals.

“Early man would hide in the recesses of his cave home, pretending to be fixing an axe or something, but Australopithecus would not take the hint.”

Fisher described how early man’s wife would be polite to the hominid and his annoying partner, because ‘they are family after all’.

She said: “Early man would be like ‘why won’t they just fuck off, we’ve got nothing in common’, while his cave-wife would be more diplomatic, partly because she felt sorry for them.

“Then she’d be like ‘I told them we’d go round for some meat at giant-wolf-eats-the-moon time next Tuesday’ and early man would go mental.

“Australopithecus had an inferiority complex about being less evolved which meant he was always showing off his expensive new spears.”

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The Mash guide to the Queen's Speech

THE Queen has outlined the evil plans of the new Conservative government, but how will they affect you?

— Income tax to be abolished for low-income and high-income households, leaving those awful jumped-up aspirational twats in the middle to do all the sweating.

— Free daytime creche in every Wetherspoon’s.

— Legislation banning any increase in income tax, National Insurance and VAT for next five years to keep notoriously crooked Chancellor Osborne on straight street.

— Seven-day NHS to be based on Biblical seventh day when everyone rested.

— Votes on laws which only affect England to include Wales for scapegoat purposes.

— Cutting total benefits for one household from £26,000 to £23,000, potentially saving the public £3,000 a year.

— More schools turned into academies, more academies turned into Jedi Academies, any massacres of younglings regrettable but necessary.

— Referendum on whether to remain in EU before end of 2017, with second referendum in 2018 if voters get first one wrong.

— New series of Sherlock every Christmas without fail or that’s definitely fucking it for the BBC.