THE DUP are looking for a new leader with the right blend of political acumen and batshit personal beliefs. Could you do the job? Read their recruitment ad:
The party is looking for a visionary who can help update the party’s values and bring them into the 20th century – although the 19th century will be acceptable should this prove too challenging.
The ideal applicant will:
– Have no objection to working alongside the evil papists our Catholic neighbours in Northern Ireland
– Have experience of leading a political organisation – or at least have risen to the rank of shift manager in a medium-sized McDonald’s
– Be willing to maintain the party’s proud tradition of endorsing homophobia and other socially regressive views
– Clean driver’s license preferable, but not a deal breaker
– Believe that the earth is only 6,000 years old; that dinosaurs never existed; that the theory of evolution – and the overwhelming scientific evidence supporting it – is horseshit
– Have experience of shouting and ideally marching
– Working knowledge of Excel and Powerpoint a plus
Interested candidates should send their CVs to [email protected]
