Believing the Earth is 6,000 years old an advantage: The DUP's advert for a new leader

THE DUP are looking for a new leader with the right blend of political acumen and batshit personal beliefs. Could you do the job? Read their recruitment ad:

The party is looking for a visionary who can help update the party’s values and bring them into the 20th century – although the 19th century will be acceptable should this prove too challenging.

The ideal applicant will:

– Have no objection to working alongside the evil papists our Catholic neighbours in Northern Ireland

– Have experience of leading a political organisation – or at least have risen to the rank of shift manager in a medium-sized McDonald’s

– Be willing to maintain the party’s proud tradition of endorsing homophobia and other socially regressive views

– Clean driver’s license preferable, but not a deal breaker

– Believe that the earth is only 6,000 years old; that dinosaurs never existed; that the theory of evolution – and the overwhelming scientific evidence supporting it – is horseshit

– Have experience of shouting and ideally marching

– Working knowledge of Excel and Powerpoint a plus

Interested candidates should send their CVs to [email protected]

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Fight to the Death for Jersey: A Commando comics adventure for Brexiters

YESTERDAY the plucky little island of Jersey saw off a vast French invasion force. Read our Commando comics-style account of this epic battle written especially for Brexiters.   

Corporal Johnny Atkins was making a brew when a panicked sentry rushed up to him. ‘Frenchmen,’ he gasped. ‘Ruddy millions of the blighters, heading our way in heavily armed small fishing vessels!’

Looking out to sea, committed Brexiter Atkins saw the grim armada approaching. ‘I’ve got to stop them,’ he thought. ‘We don’t want Frenchies strutting around in their jackboots in the home of our beloved 1980s TV detective Jim Bergerac.’

Atkins grabbed his trusty Sten gun and rushed to the harbour, where he commandeered a pleasure cruiser. Ordering the skipper to head straight for the French fleet he said a quiet prayer to himself: ‘For the Queen. For Brexit. For an end to freedom of movement.’  

Closing on the first vessel, Atkins heard a French kommandant cackling with glee. ‘Soon le Jersey will be ours! We weel rename it Macron Island! Fish et chips will be banned and toutes les English will have to eat confusing langoustines instead. Ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha!’

Incensed, Atkins finished him off with one burst. Then, darting between the French fishing warships, he sent all of them to a watery grave. This isn’t terribly realistic, even for a Commando comic, but this is a story for Brexiters.   

Back in St Helier, Atkins breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Time for some grub,’ he said. ‘Just so long as it’s not bloomin’ French fries!’  

The End

Order the next Brexit Commando comic, Blitz on Brussels, for just 35p, like in the old days.