Monday, 8th March 2021

Boris Johnson's first grovelling call to the White House: A transcript

THE prime minister will be wasting no time sucking up to newly sworn-in president Joe Biden. Here is a transcript of their first conversation today.

GRUNTS AND SNUFFLING AS THE RECEIVER IS PRESSED TO JOHNSON’S FACE

BORIS JOHNSON: Joe, mate, congratulations on becoming president of Britain’s most important ally! I think I speak on behalf of everyone on the planet when I say thank f**k you won. And before we roll up our sleeves and work closely together, let me just say I never liked Trump. Never.

JOE BIDEN: I’m kind of busy right now –

JOHNSON: Wait! Don’t hang up! Look at all the things we have in common. We both got our dream jobs after years of setbacks, and I’m sure you’ll be just as popular as me. You’re Roosevelt and I’m Churchill, right, my old buddy? I mean, not old. Young and vigorous. Thrusting!

BIDEN (to aide): He must have got the number from Trump…

JOHNSON: We’re also both practicing Catholics, sort of. You with your sacred principles, and me with my aversion to prophylactics. And you’re not going to believe this, but I’ve had my hair cut just like you. I’ve had it dyed too so we look exactly the same! Isn’t that terrific and not weird?

BIDEN: I really have to go now –

JOHNSON: Sure. Sure. Call me back when you can. I’m surprised you didn’t leap at the phone when my name came up on the caller ID but I guess it’s on the fritz. Just one thing, can you get me out of the shit with Brexit? Can you write down ‘Do a deal with Britain’ on a Post-it note? Can you do that now? Have you got a pen? Can you write down –

LINE GOES DEAD AS BIDEN HANGS UP.