What to do if you're a British crab who can't get to the EU

POST-BREXIT, plucky British crabs are being refused entry to the EU because of petty rules about live animal imports that prove we were right to leave. What could they do? 

Dispersing protesters

When the weather improves and protesters gather around the nation’s statues, send in the crabs. Swarms of pincer-wielding crustaceans will scatter even the most hardened activists, leaving our beloved monuments to slave-trading philanthropists intact.

Sorting mail

With staff self-isolating and deliveries delayed, the Royal Mail desperately needs more claws on deck. Thanks to their dexterity, crabs would make light work of all the parcels and P45s passing through and would only send four out of five to the wrong address, an improvement on current ratios.

Running the Department for Education

Crabs are known to band together for a common cause, unlike government. A larger crab, perhaps smoking a cigar, will be a more than adequate replacement for Gavin Williamson.

Presenting a documentary on Cornwall

You can’t turn the telly one without seeing the same old tin mine, beach, Rick Stein restaurant and sea shanty group right now, but the presenters are rarely Cornish. Attaching a GoPro to a crab and letting it tour St Ives would be a refreshing new angle.

Hairdressing, manicures and pedicures

Salons are closed and everyone’s doing their own hair and nails from YouTube videos with predictably terrible results. Instead, simply pop a crab on your head and watch it work its magic like a tiny Edward Scissorhands.

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Home-schooling mum reporting herself to Ofsted

A MOTHER attempting to teach her children at home has reported herself to Ofsted as ‘inadequate’.

After a fortnight of mixed-age and ability learning with her children, Lucy Parry has blown the whistle on the bad educational practices taking place within her kitchen.

She said: “After two miserable weeks I felt I had no choice. The time has come for this homeschool to enter special measures.

“It’s declined significantly since the last lockdown, when there was much more school spirit and I could send them out to run round the garden shrieking for two hours and call it double PE.

“The standard of education is frankly lamentable, and frequently after lunch there’s the unmistakable odour of alcohol on the teacher’s breath. That’s a safeguarding issue and a sackable offence.

“Ofsted need to come in as a matter of urgency, rate the school inadequate, take us into special measures and parachute in one of those inner-city headteachers who’ll discipline the kids while firing them up with a love of learning.

“Then I can sit at the back of the class on my phone ignoring it all, like in real school.”