Monday, 8th March 2021

The QAnon supporter's guide to pretending it's not all bollocks

ARE your ludicrous QAnon conspiracy theories crumbling around you as Trump leaves office? Here’s how to pretend you expected this all along.

This is a cunning tactical retreat

Trump cannot take down the liberal paedo-vampires in a high-profile role like president, even though that’s exactly what you’ve been claiming for six months. He needs to slip into the shadows like a bucket-gutted ninja and operate secretly. Makes f**k all sense, but what else is new?

Trump is being hunted down by Tom Hanks

Beloved Hollywood actor? No, the CIA’s top assassin. He’s hunting Trump down, but the Donald is just biding his time until he finishes Hanks in hand-to-hand combat.

The deep state rigged the election

The deep state is too powerful even for a morally pure hero like Trump. If Hillary was prepared to blow up Challenger and stage 9/11, stealing an election is nothing. Be sure to mention the Rothschilds while gibbering on. Other QAnons will know what you mean.

JFK Jr needs to be protected

John F Kennedy Jr. is in deep cover in Pennsylvania. Exactly why a privileged lawyer and former magazine owner is so important to QAnon is unclear, but he’s to be commended for fighting for justice while irrefutably dead.

Aliens

With interdimensional travel and mind control technology, aliens are a tough opponent even for Trump. Ever seen Joe Biden dislocate his jaw to eat a whole rat? That happened, live on camera during the debates, but they’ve covered it up.

Donald loves Melania

Trump and Melania are so deeply in love he cannot risk his trophy-wife soulmate being harmed. Donald would have aced the election and declared a thousand-year dictatorship if he wasn’t such a kind, devoted husband.