Monday, 8th March 2021

How to live like a king on your extra £20 of Universal Credit

THE £20-per-week rise in Universal Credit for the pandemic cannot last forever, because we do not deserve it. Here’s how to flash that cash while it lasts: 

Hold a medieval banquet

Like the monarchs of old, hold a lavish banquet in your own honour. Light candles because the pre-pay electric’s run out, and instead of a hog roasting on a spit impale Tesco Value beefburgers on a pencil and rotate them over the gas ring.

Impress the chicks in VIP nightclubs

Act the Leonardo DiCaprio-style high roller by ordering endless bottles of vintage Krug champagne for leggy models. But there are no nightclubs, so economis by taking a Londis bag of Strongbow Dark Fruits to the bit of your local park where the teenage drinkers throw up.

Blow it on cocaine

Whatever you call it – toot, beak, gak, spangle – coke is the status symbol narcotic. You might have difficulty finding a dealer to sort you out with your £2.86 per day’s worth, but on the upside there’s no risk of getting hooked.

Make a terrible record or film

A great way to lose cash is to dabble in film production or invest in your dreams of being a pop star. A budget of £20 is admittedly low, but once you start filming an action epic in your back garden it’ll be gone in no time.

Buy a Humvee

Millionares love Hummers. Make your own by widening your car with cardboard boxes painted black, or get a friend to Photoshop you into a picture of one and put it on Facebook anyway, crouched in front of it with a fan of four fivers like a rap megastar.

Become a corner shop wine connoisseur

Your £2.86 a day isn’t quite enough to sample the Chateau Papes, but tatty corner shops have a selection of under-three-quid wine gathering dust. Remember to say ‘Mmm, earthy with a hint of citrus’ rather than ‘Jesus, is this antifreeze?’