I HAVE been treated so unfairly by this country. So, so unfairly. It’s really a tragedy how badly they’ve treated your favourite president, and also these guys:
Lil Wayne and Joe Exotic
Why would they lock these guys up? They aren’t bad guys. Wayne I know from the Celebrity Apprentice, he’s a great guy, the blacks love me. Joe stole, lied, obsessively hates a female rival, runs kind of a cult, plays with big dangerous things he doesn’t understand. I see a lot of myself in him.
Lee Harvey Oswald
This guy? Everyone says he’s a loser. They say he shot the president. Then you find out that president was a Democrat, and he cheated to win the election, then you see Lee was a beautiful guy. He can walk free now. It’s my message to all the potential presidential assassins out there.
I saw the movie and they pushed this guy, you know? They really pushed him. He killed a few people and started a riot, sure, but I got sympathy. Gotham’s a liberal city, and those people reap what they sow. The Joker should really run for mayor.
All white-collar criminals
These guys, they put them in prison because it’s easy. It’s easier than catching the real bad guys out there on the streets to round up a few hundred thousand fraudsters, scammers, whatever. I’m giving them a second chance. Anyone still serving a sentence for marijuana possession in 1988, you stay in jail.
Boris let me down by not supporting me on the whole rigged election thing, but I’m forgiving, okay? I’m a forgiving guy. I hereby pardon him for Brexit which he explained to me is basically a heist, and award him US citizenship too. He’ll be over here. He’s too smart not to.
Of course I pardon myself. It’s the only way to get justice because the fake news Democrats have packed the courts with Chinese communists. My pardon covers all past crimes, and I’ve issued a pre-pardon covering all crimes up to 2041. The President can do that. You can’t stop me.