Brexit might not actually mean Brexit, says May

BREXIT may mean free movement, unrestrained immigration, closer ties with the EU and many other things which are not actually Brexit, Theresa May has declared. 

Following a week of negotiation with the EU, the prime minister has confirmed that the definition of Brexit is ‘on the table’.

She continued: “Brexit did, previously, mean Brexit, but words change according to usage.

“Because Brexit is a made-up word, which 18 months ago none of us knew, it really doesn’t have any fixed meaning and might end up being forgotten completely.

“Remember it was only five years ago that everyone was saying YOLO, and where is that now?

“Ultimately, Brexit means whatever you want it to mean. And I am determined to make it a success.”

Brexit voter Margaret Gerving said: “I never really knew what Brexit meant anyway. I just wanted it, passionately, with every fibre of my being.”

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Daddy uses all the best words when he’s driving, kids agree

TWO children have agreed that they pick up all the most useful phrases when Daddy is driving them to school. 

Eleanor and George Shaw, aged nine and six respectively, have found the words their father uses on the school run to be a valuable currency in the playground.

Eleanor said: “I knew a few rude words, of course – poo, bum, willy, the basics – but when I tried using some of the things daddy said to the bus, I got instant respect.

“Turns out that loads of kids simply don’t have access to phrases like ‘fucknut cyclist cocksucker’, which is what Miss Baldwin calls a ‘compound phrase’. It’s really helped me climb a few notches in the playground hierarchy.

“Though it was embarrassing when I couldn’t define ‘utter’ yesterday, but I thought it was rude because I’ve only ever heard it used in the context of ‘utter, utter fucking bastard’.”

Younger brother George said: “My daddy is the best at swearing. Your daddies are ‘piss artists’.”