Brexiter looks out at Britain still slaving under the yoke of unspeakable tyranny

A BREXITER who hoped this morning would be his first in a free Britain has instead woken up to another day as a serf in a vassal state. 

Martin Bishop sat and drank his cup of tea this morning while gazing out at a country which once dreamed of finally standing tall but has been beaten down into a cringing, subservient wreck by its despotic masters.

He said: “This morning, tormented by thoughts of treason, I rose and watched the sun rise over a nation that’s no more than a gigantic gulag for our Marxist masters in Brussels, and I wept.

“I saw children rise and go to football practice, knowing deep down they are just disposable cogs in the EUSSR’s grinding machinery and could be replaced by Bulgarians at any time.

“I saw Ocado delivery vans arrive, not bringing good British groceries grown on allotments like in the war, but soulless, regimented carrots farmed without mercy by cruel Spaniards with whips.

“I saw a country betrayed, ground down, hopeless and broken. Then I watched Cash in the Attic.”

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Five Christmas presents you'd like to give Boris Johnson

BORIS Johnson deserves the worst Christmas presents ever this year. Here are some suggestions. 

A kick in the testicles

Hoofing someone in the groin isn’t really the ‘spirit of Christmas’, but Johnson sorely deserves it for calling a general election in the middle of the most fun part of the year.

A Playstation 5 that only plays ZX Spectrum games

Imagine Boris’s delight as he unwraps a PS5 on Christmas day! But you have cunningly removed the innards and replaced it with a 1980s ZX Spectrum. As he excitedly gets ready to play the latest Call of Duty game, up pops Horace Goes Skiing instead.

Christmas dinner without any of the good bits

Boris should be made to sit down expecting a sumptuous Christmas dinner then only receive the least interesting elements: a big plate of mushy ‘gran’ sprouts and a boiled carrot. Although that’s too good and a cold Cup-a-Soup would be better.

An exciting – and possibly fatal – ‘experience’ 

A day of driving high-performance cars at Silverstone and other similar ‘experiences’ are super-cool presents, even if half the people giving them are only doing it to show off. However it would be great to force Boris to try such things as ‘A day in the bear enclosure at London Zoo’ and ‘Parachuting into brick walls’.

A traditional ‘disappointing’ present

You know the sort of thing: a pair of ‘fun’ Wallace and Gromit socks, a scented candle, WHSmith vouchers. For messing up everyone’s Christmas, Boris really does deserve just a travel backgammon set.