How to be an annoying b*llend about Halloween at work

DO you think it’s fun to skip around the office in a scary mask shouting “Trick or treat?” at people using spreadsheets? Here are more tips on being horribly childish.

Dress up in a spooky costume

People who find an excuse to dress up at work are idiots, even if they’re doing it for charity. And Halloween isn’t a charity, so no one is getting anything out of your tiresome wackiness, apart from you.

Insist on bringing in hideous themed ‘treats’

All the supermarkets have jumped on the Halloween bandwagon so you won’t be short of weird sh*t like breaded ‘bat wings’ or pig-in-a-blanket ‘mummies’ to force into your colleagues’ repulsed mouths.

Jump out from the stationery cupboard shouting “Boo!”

It’s all fun and games until someone spills a tray of hot tea down themselves or has a heart attack. Then it’s an employment tribunal and a swift dismissal for you.

Bring in a pumpkin

Unless you’re a sculptor, all pumpkins inevitably look like Ann Widdecombe on a bad day. No one will appreciate it and then it will be left on a windowsill for a fortnight to go mouldy and start stinking.

Tell people who think Halloween is bullsh*t they’re boring

For most people work is painful enough without having to spend a day of it with grown adults who think it’s fun to put on a ‘sorting hat’ on and pretend to find out if they’re in Slytherin or Hufflepuff. Don’t make it worse for them.

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Has VAR ruined your marriage?

VAR, or video assistant referees, are causing controversy on football pitches. But are they also responsible for your failing marriage? Let’s take a look: 

Could VAR have stopped you getting caught watching porn?

No, slowing down the camera would only make your failure to close the laptop before your partner saw what you had on there more excruciating. Plus VAR shouldn’t have to see what you were looking at. Nobody should.

Could VAR have stopped you being accused of having an affair with a colleague? 

It’s a big yes from VAR – watching footage from the office’s summer barbecue would reveal that you were a few millimetres away from making contact with that colleague due to her skilful body swerve when you lunged. Her disgust is clearly visible on VAR. No way is that an affair.

Could VAR have stopped that final argument about money? 

Regretfully, VAR played a key part in that argument by catching you sneaking cash from your partner’s wallet to pay off your dealer. Without VAR nobody would have noticed the slight pause as you passed the coats in the hall, but once it went to VAR it was as clear as day.

Could VAR have stopped your problem daytime drinking? 

If you wouldn’t listen to friends, family and your boss then it’s unlikely that VAR, even if accompanied by footage from several angles of you collapsed on the floor slurring about everyone being out to get you, would stop you. It may have saved football, but it cannot save you.

Can you blame your failed marriage on VAR? 

It might not be VAR’s fault, but of course you can blame your trainwreck of a marriage on VAR. Taking the blame for failure is what VAR is for. And who knows, maybe one day you’ll be allowed to see your children again. VAR permitting.