Britain draws straws over who has to talk to some Labour Party arsehole

BRITAIN is to draw straws after Labour pledged to bother four million people in the privacy of their own homes.

As the party leaders kicked off a 17-week election campaign without asking anyone, Labour’s Ed Miliband was first to openly threaten the electorate with face-to-face contact.

But communities across Britain are organising a lottery, with all those chosen to speak to some peachy-keen Labour tosspot being compensated with a £10 iTunes voucher.

Organiser Helen Archer said: “Rather than have these fuckers roaming the streets, randomly knocking on doors, let’s offer up four million human sacrifices and get this bullshit out of way, sharpish.”

Meanwhile, more than six million people have asked to be visited by a UKIP candidate because they think it will be weirdly enjoyable.