Brown Deafened By Sound Of Collapsing Argument

GORDON Brown will once again focus Labour's election campaign on national insurance after being deafened by the collapse of his own argument.

Mr Brown's advisers had urged him not to return to the issue, but the prime minister just nodded and smiled and said their voices had gone all dull and fuzzy.

The argument has been collapsing in stages since last week with the final section crashing to the ground in a massive cloud of dust and bits during the Today programme, just after eight o'clock this morning.

Radio Four listener Tom Logan said: "I was spooning some mephedrone into my tea and listening to John Humphrys being a shit, when all of sudden there was this huge, violent noise.

"It was so loud I thought it must be coming from outside, but then I realised it was the last part of the prime minister's argument on national insurance smashing into the ground like it had been kicked over by a giant toddler.

"I do hope no-one was hurt apart from John Humphrys."

Within minutes of the argument toppling over, Guardian editor Peter Mandelson was seen scrabbling over the smoking rubble and attempting to rebuild it while mumbling, 'employers know nothing about employing people' over and over again.

Meanwhile Wayne Hayes, some arsehole from Stevenage, said: "I have been trying like a bastard to get my head round this idea that a national insurance cut will take money out of the economy.

"So I started to think really hard about what the economy is and I came to the conclusion that it's actually me and everyone else. Together we are 'the economy'. D'you see?

"So if the government gives money back to me that means the money is going into the economy not out of it. The money just goes from one place to another, it doesn't disappear – unless of course I put it all on some piece of shit horse and then lose it, which I probably will because I'm such an arsehole.

"But that's still okay because then the bookie gets the money and now he can spend it on things – though knowing him it'll just be loads of booze and whores – but even then the brewery and the skank will have the money.

"So the money still exists, in the economy, it's just that it's gone from me to a bookie to a skank.

"I worked that out all by myself, by the way."


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly
I am terribly lonely and can't seem to make any friends. Whenever I try to engage a colleague in one of my favourite topics such as  ornithology, or Heraldry, their eyes seem to glaze over and they make excuses to leave. I recently invited everyone in the office to come over to mine to eat a ploughman's lunch and watch David Dimbleby's excellent documentary, The Seven Ages of Britain, but no-one turned up. Am I doing something wrong?
Great Yarmouth

Dear Tim,
Oh dear. Haven't you got any teddy bears? Or a dolly? Whenever I am feeling lonely I get all my toys together and have a lovely tea party in my bedroom, with real orange juice in the teapot. Perhaps if you're too poor to have teddies you could think up an imaginary friend to keep you company. However, if you decide to take this course of action, I'd advise against letting anyone else in on the secret. A boy in my class, Gregory Brown, had an imaginary friend called Jingo who lived in his coat pocket. Jingo and Gregory did everything together, like drawing lots and lots of pictures of dead cats and scary ladies with no eyes. I think maybe Jingo didn't like girls because he left something terrible in Olivia Tate's plimsoll, and told Gregory to chop off Francesca Young's ponytail during silent reading. Gregory didn't come back to school after that for a long time, and the teacher told us he had gone to see a special doctor. Thinking about it, maybe investing in a nice teddy and a Barbie doll would be a lot less complicated than making friends with someone like Jingo who'll only end up convincing you to put the end of your winkie in the big pencil sharpener.  
Hope that helps!