Workers ‘need more pretend training with overpaid bullshit merchants’

WORKERS are being asked to attend more pretend training sessions in a bid to increase the amount of bullshit there is.

New workplace regulations mean all employees must spend at least 14 days a year in a Travelodge meeting room while an orange woman called Jan gives them biscuits and asks them to shout out random words.

The new laws were backed by training providers including Nathan Muir, a former car boot salesman who is now managing director of the career development firm Effectualize.

He said: “Our most popular course involves dividing delegates into teams and asking them to brainstorm the ‘concept’ of ‘owls’.

“But we also do some very intensive IT training which is basically learning how to use Google stretched out over four days and 48 cigarette breaks.”

He added: “Today I’ll be writing the word ‘diversity’ on a whiteboard and asking everyone to say the first thing that comes into their head. I then choose one answer at random and treat it like it’s the Theory of Relativity.

“And that’s a grand.”

Call centre team leader Roy Hobbs said: “My most memorable courses were Introduction to Turning Things On, Thinking for Beginners and Intermediate How To Do Your Job Module 3.

“But for me, training courses are a vital opportunity to re-engineer my career environment and work out which of my female co-workers I’d like to fuck.”

Business park office unit Nikki Hollis added: “Going on work-related courses has helped my team and I to bond in the shared realisation of the utter futility of everything.”