Brown Stuffs Underpants Ahead Of Sarkozy Visit

THE prime minister has shoved a large pair of socks into his underpants ahead of today's state visit by French president Nicolas Sarkozy.

Mr Brown has inserted a rolled-up pair of tube socks which he plans to wiggle casually in front of Carla Bruni, the former supermodel-turned- singer-turned-unbelievably hot wife.

The prime minister is expected to urge the French president to increase his troop commitment in Afghanistan before telling Madame Sarkozy that he still works out.

Mr Brown's spokesman said: "He'll then move onto how clever he is and the fact that he reads two books a week, and hey, maybe one of them is a sex manual.

"He'll also discuss the fact that he used to play quite a lot of rugby but had to scale it back because, you know, he's got a country to run and stuff.

"The prime minister will then tell a funny story about how his good friend Bono once compared him to John Lennon and inform Madame Sarkozy that if she wants to meet Bono he can totally arrange it."

The two leaders and their wives are expected to meet in the Downing Street banquet room surrounded by Mr Brown's weights, his acoustic guitar and some of his favourite volumes of French love poetry.

The spokesman added: "He'll round off the summit by asking Madame Sarkorzy if she has any Scottish in her."

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Chinese Gain Access To Vast Archive Of BBC Health Scares

CHINESE web users were celebrating yesterday after government censors granted them access to the BBC’s unrivalled internet archive of unusual animal stories and idiotic health scares. 

Wen Jiabao, the Chinese Premier, ordered the state police to stop blocking the BBC news site after discovering it was mainly obituaries of obscure music hall stars from the 1930s.

He said: "I though it hard hitting news site but it just load crap about pets. Front page story is donkey that do ballet. Donkey? Last week all about squirrels who is fat.

"I read about horse in lift. Elephant with camera. Cat that go hitch-hike. Deep fried rat. What next? Dog has shit?

"Who is Binky Blenkinsopp? She tap dance for 12 hours non-stop at Bradford Alhambra in 1936. Apparently. Die in nursing home surrounded by friend. Who cares?

"I read Chinese website after we shoot family of reporter, just in case, and take all good bits out, and it still have more news in than this.”

Yen Xiao, a farmer in Jiangsu province, said he had rushed home from the paddy field when he learned the BBC news website was now accessible but found it a huge disappointment.

He said: "I have nice shredded duck for tea, with boiled rice and nice fresh pak choi. But when read BBC internet I find it all give me cancer.

"It say glass red wine make heart healthy, then glass red wine make heart sick. Drink you get Alzheimers, don’t drink you lose marbles in old age. Brilliant.

"If OK with you, I stick which"