Budget Boost For Headless Horsemen

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling is today expected to throw a budget lifeline to Britain's hard-pressed headless horsemen.

Mr Darling will unveil a series of measures to help people on incapacity benefit back into work, coupled with tax breaks for environmentally friendly transport.

He wants to use the tax and benefits system to tackle the growing problem of anti-social behaviour among thousands of under-employed headless maniacs.

A Treasury source said: "We're not suggesting they're claiming incapacity benefit illegally. They are headless, after all.

"And while they may be rampaging through the countryside, decapitating respected members of the community, at least they're doing it on a horse."

He added: "We have an opportunity to not only achieve staged reductions in rural beheadings, but offer rewards and incentives for low carbon mobility."

Meanwhile City analysts are divided over how Mr Darling's first budget will go. Tom Logan, head of markets at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "I think he'll make a complete and total arse of it."

But Wayne Hayes, chief economist at Madeley-Finnigan, said: "I think he'll do really well actually…. No, I'm just kidding. He'll be fucking awful."

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Summer Floods Caused By Water, Say Experts

LAST year's summer floods were a freak event caused by a lot of water, a new scientific report has revealed.

According to the eight-month study the key cause of the flooding was rain falling out of the sky for a very long time indeed, on several occasions.

The rain quickly dissolved in rivers and streams where it was transformed into water which then poured into people's houses creating the characteristic excess of wetness often seen when flooding occurs.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "At first we were totally baffled as to why all these people’s houses had got so damp, so quickly, and all at the same time.

"Then one night I was down the pub with Jeff and I said 'Jeff, there’s got to be some simple explanation for all this wetness' at which point he knocked his pint into my lap.

"I was absolutely soaked, even the undercrackers. What's worse, I totally lost my chain of thought. It was another eight months before we finally made the link with water.

"But even then we still had some work to do. Did you realise that not a single house on top of a mountain got flooded? That had us stumped for a long time."

Other key conclusions of the report were:

  • Don't eat that, it’s not a Mars Bar
  • Of course hamsters can swim
  • Where’s Grandma?
  • Frogs!