Formula One To Feature An Elephant On A Skateboard

MOTORSPORT bosses have unveiled plans to overhaul Formula One with exciting new features, including hand to hand combat and an elephant on a skateboard.

FIA president Max Mosely said the changes were necessary after everyone suddenly realised that watching a grand prix was 'unbearably tedious'.

He added: "We thought about just chucking some oil on the track or tampering with the brakes, but that's frowned upon. Apparently."

Under the new rules drivers can only take part in the race after fighting their way through a gruelling series of televised combats, including bare-fisted punching and an 18th century duel, featuring antique pistols and powdered wigs.

Renault driver Fernando Alonso has already outlined his plans to kill former team mate Lewis Hamilton, 'like a dirty, no-good peeg'.

The top three drivers in each race will then be able to pick up extra points if they can beat an elephant on a skateboard over half a mile.

Mr Mosely said: "We reckon that if we get enough people to push the elephant it should pick up a fair head of steam.

"All we have to do now is train an elephant to keep its balance on a very big skateboard for about 20 seconds.

"If it's still not fast enough we'll use a gigantic catapult."

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I Can Do A Terrible Scottish Accent Too, Says Laurie

HUGH Laurie has appealed to British casting directors insisting he can do regional accents that are ‘every bit as dreadful’ as the American one which has earned him millions of dollars. 

Since moving to the US the former Englishman has become a household name, starring in the gritty drama House! as the brilliant but edgy bingo caller, Donovan House.

With his trademark walking stick, House limps between the tables, swallowing handfuls of prescription pain killers and telling the frightened customers why bingo is a ‘cruel mistress’.

The star of Stuart Little and Stuart Little 2, said: “I would love to play a really meaty British character, as long as they don’t mind me sounding like a posh Englishman with a speech impediment.

“I can do your classic Highlander: ‘Och, will ye no be havin’ a wee dram of whisky with yer porridge the noo’.

“Or perhaps a terribly violent Glaswegian type: ‘See ye ya bastart, I’ll kick ye right in the baws’.

“Or what about a Geordie builder?: ‘Way aye man, that’s a canny bit o’ bait. Can I put it in me stottie?’.”

He added: “Of course, my Welshman is legendary: ‘Now then, Dai bach, can I be having sexual intercourse with your prize ram?’.”