Formula One To Feature An Elephant On A Skateboard

MOTORSPORT bosses have unveiled plans to overhaul Formula One with exciting new features, including hand to hand combat and an elephant on a skateboard.

'I was promised a crash helmet'

FIA president Max Mosely said the changes were necessary after everyone suddenly realised that watching a grand prix was 'unbearably tedious'.

He added: "We thought about just chucking some oil on the track or tampering with the brakes, but that's frowned upon. Apparently."

Under the new rules drivers can only take part in the race after fighting their way through a gruelling series of televised combats, including bare-fisted punching and an 18th century duel, featuring antique pistols and powdered wigs.

Renault driver Fernando Alonso has already outlined his plans to kill former team mate Lewis Hamilton, 'like a dirty, no-good peeg'.

The top three drivers in each race will then be able to pick up extra points if they can beat an elephant on a skateboard over half a mile.

Mr Mosely said: "We reckon that if we get enough people to push the elephant it should pick up a fair head of steam.

"All we have to do now is train an elephant to keep its balance on a very big skateboard for about 20 seconds.

"If it's still not fast enough we'll use a gigantic catapult."