Budget To Include £1 Billion For New Squats

TOMORROW'S Budget is expected to include a £1 billion programme to build thousands of houses that no-one can afford to buy.

Treasury sources say the initiative will not only look good for a couple of days, but could eventually provide a dry, energy-efficient shelter for families to return to after foraging through skips for food.

A senior official said: "We would urge people to wait until the houses are half-finished before they start squatting in them.

"And of course we do expect hundreds to grab their sleeping bags and queue overnight for the chance to squat in one of the luxuriously appointed show homes with toilets and glass in the windows."

The official added; "The only people who will be able to afford one of the new homes are the builders who have just been paid to build them. But some of the builders may choose to move house thereby freeing up their old house for squatting."

Margaret Gerving, an unemployed unit from Darlington, said: "I've always dreamed of squatting in a brand new house. But I don't think it'll change me. I'll still spend most of my time swiping at the bailiffs with a large metal pole."

Experts say the housing programme is the latest in a series of leaked Budget initiatives that won't make the slightest difference to anything.

Employment consultant Tom Logan said: "I like the one about creating thousands of new jobs by building huge offshore wind farms that will be made in Portugal and controlled by a computer."

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Britain's Only Shop Makes Enormous Profit

THE only place where people can buy things has made a huge profit again, it has been confirmed.

Despite the recession The Shop made more than £3 billion last year, 10% up on the previous year, thanks to its successful strategy of bulldozing absolutely everything and then putting a shop on it.

The last 12 months have also seen The Shop diversify into a wide variety of new services including mobile cardio-vascular surgery, landscape gardening insurance and political assassinations.

Meanwhile The Shop has continued its popular advertising campaign of pretending there are other shops where all the things are more expensive.

Emma Bradford, a council worker from Stevenage who spends all her money at The Shop, said: "The Shop is so much cheaper than Asda and Sainsbury's so I'm not surprised they never even existed."

But retail analysts say The Shop's attempt to break into the American market has stalled, mainly because America already has a shop.

A spokesman for The Shop said: "Today's results are a testament to our strategy of adapting to an ever-changing marketplace, offering outstanding value for money and being the only shop in the country."

He added: "The recession is helping us to achieve our vision of a society where everything is provided by either The Shop or The Government. Soon the two will merge into one and no-one need worry about anything ever again.

"Sleep tight."