Bankers are the only people we give a shit about, Davis tells EU

DAVID Davis has told the EU that he does not really give a shit about any British business except financial services.

The Brexit minister has flown to Germany to explain that he does not care if the UK’s agriculture, manufacturing, creative and retail sectors collapse tomorrow as long as the City of London is safe. 

He continued: “The rest of the country? I’m not even sure if it’s real. Certainly not in any way that matters. 

“We basically needs a deal that suits this one square mile and then the rest of it can sort itself out. Mass starvation or passporting for UK-based banks? Come on. You know my priorities. It’s not polite to make me say it. 

“And you need us just as much as we need you. Who caused the 2008 financial crisis? British banks, my friends, British banks. 

“Tell you what, if we can get this sorted today, I’ll let you guys write the rest of the deal while I go home and resign. I’ve got a job waiting at Coutts, you see.” 

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Why the Daily Mail offends my hippy socialist soul, by billionaire Richard Branson

HAVE I banned the Daily Mail from Virgin Rail to distract people from the fact that I’m earning shitloads from the NHS? Of course not, man.

Am I refusing to sell it so that I retain my cuddly, good guy image whilst charging you all your entire life savings to travel on my perpetually late trains? No way, dude.

I might have enough money to play at building space ships and invite Barack Obama over for a spot of scuba diving, but I’m basically just the same as you. Just an ordinary guy living an ordinary life on my private Caribbean island, writing this while wearing a billowy white shirt and listening to Moon Safari by Air.

Because I’m such a right on guy with a firm moral stance, I’ve decided that the Daily Mail’s views are not compatible with my own, apart from the when it comes to shafting the public sector. Suing the UK’s tax-funded health care service might not seem like the compassionate thing to do, but it’s actually a really cool way of sticking it to the man. Man.

Banning a frothing bile-infused rag like this guarantees column inches and but more importantly it shows that I care. I’m basically Jeremy Corbyn, but with a better bike and more dynamic facial hair.

Peace and love,