Cameron faces harsh performance review after missing migrant targets

THE prime minister has admitted he is not looking forward to his next performance review after missing his migrant target by a quarter of a million. 

The quarterly performance review, which is a chance for Cameron and his supervisor to discuss his progress at work, will embroil the prime minister in up to an hour of tough explanation.

He said: “They let you set the targets yourself and foolishly I went with ‘tens of thousands’ instead of ‘hundreds of thousands’ for migrants.

“I just know that when Graham takes me into the small conference room with my performance review folder he’ll do his withering shake of the head and disappointedly put his glasses on the table.

“Thankfully it’s not one of the targets that affects my bonus, so no real harm done.”

Cameron added: “The bit I always hate is when they ask where you see yourself being in five years’ time.

“The truth is I’ve never been very ambitious. I’m happy just to stay put.”

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Every member of smiling Pizza Express team considering job options

EVERY member of the dedicated team launching a new Pizza Express is looking for alternative work, it has emerged. 

The Hull branch of the restaurant opens today, with all staff from the manager down still considering their employment options.

Manager Mary Fisher said: “This team is absolutely focused on creating a wonderful atmosphere, serving great food and sharing any decent vacancies they find on Monster.

“My smile’s a bit forced in the photos, but I don’t think you can tell it was because I needed to be in York for my interview at Zizzi’s in less than two hours.”

Waitress Emma Bradford agreed: “My grin says ‘Come and check out our new take on the classic Hawaiian!’

“But my eyes are saying ‘Is there anything actually wrong with being a webcam girl?’”