Cameron 'Partial To A Spot Of Light Porn'

TORY leader Dave Cameron has revealed he enjoys watching 'erotic thrillers' on late night television after the wife has gone to bed.

Cam, who also enjoys darts, pool, fruit machines, poor quality meat pies and saying 'better out than in' when he flatulates, confessed that he regularly stays up past 11 on Fridays in the hope of brief but explicit sex scenes on Channel Five.

He told a men's magazine: "I used to like the ones that weren't proper porn films, they also had good stories, usually about a murder in a glamour modelling agency, and lots of fast cars.

"They were called things like Deadly Desires and Midnight Eyes IV: Sexual Illusions. You didn't see actual fannies but they were still pretty racy. It was a nice change of pace after Newsnight."

Cammy also admitted that shadow chancellor George Osborne had lent him a VHS copy of the Pamela Anderson sex tape, which his wife Samantha subsequently found secreted in the airing cupboard under some hand towels.

The Camster added: "Luckily George had labelled the cassette 'Party Conference Highlights '07'. That's the kind of visionary, long-term thinking that will put this country on the road to economic recovery."

But a Labour party spokesman said: "This is another massive own goal for Cameron, who yet again proves himself to be woefully out of touch.

"Gordon Brown knows that pseudo-porn with high-production values and tired celebrity sex tapes have no place in a modern Britain that is busily scouring the web for increasingly debased images of perversion on the very edges of legality, with the BBC News website open in another, minimised window that can be instantly expanded should its partner wander in with a cup of tea."

 

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Rowling Accused Of Cheerfulness

AUTHOR JK Rowling last night reacted angrily to claims that she has been seen smiling.

The author has successfully defended previous claims that she has a sunny, upbeat disposition and will seek a court order to protect her reputation as the world's foremost unreasonably miserable cow.

The accusation was made by a rival author who states that for prolonged passages of time during a book signing in January, Rowling had a face on her that didn't look like a recently bereaved substitute teacher.

Charlie Reeves, author of Loads Of Wizards That Go To A Public School And Do Spells, said: "Rowling stole the idea of being miserable from me. I have footage from 2004 that shows me begrudgingly signing books for the public as if each and every one of them was asking me to hand over a kidney.

"Before she saw me acting the mardy arse to the very people who pay my wages, Rowling used to rollerskate into her promotional events in clown make-up singing Shadduppa You Face."

But Rowling said: "I am saddened by the absurd and unfounded accusation that anything makes me happy, whether it's having more fans than Jesus or the fact I could hire the Archbishop of Canterbury to dress up as a Victorian prostitute."

She added: "By the way, those glasses look suspiciously round to me. I hope you have written permisson."

Helen Archer, a director at Bloomsbury, Rowling's publishers, said: "I've worked with her for eight years and the idea she would show the vaguest iota of joy is ludicrous. I remember when I told her she was now officially a billionaire and she looked at me like I'd just shot her dog.

"Her public persona is entirely original, the books on the other hand are as derivative as fuck."