Cameron took part in sordid act with head of live billionaire

DAVID Cameron took part in ‘dirty’ rituals involving the brain and mouth of a live billionaire, it has emerged.

According to a book, the prime minister would stand in front of Lord Ashcroft and listen to the billionaire describe all the ‘deliciously sordid’ ways he manages to avoid paying tax.

A source said: “It’s an initiation ceremony for anyone who wants to be leader of the Conservative Party.

“The billionaire’s head is on top of his body which is then placed carefully on a large leather sofa.

“The ‘candidate’ has to nod vigorously while the billionaire sets out his complex tax arrangements before offering £8 million on the condition that ‘all you have to do is be nice to me’.

“The whole thing is absolutely manky and I’m not surprised he’s denying it.”

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Man discovers he is not qualified for unskilled labour

A 25-YEAR-OLD man was applying for a job as ‘unskilled labourer’ when he realised he did not meet the criteria.

Unemployed Tom Booker said: “I’ve never operated a wheelbarrow before, and even if I pick that up straight away I am not very strong.

“And I wouldn’t be overly keen on moving any pieces of wood that have nails in them because, well, who wants to get jabbed with a rusty nail.

“I could make the tea for them if they wanted. But I’m not really a tea drinker myself though so I’d probably have to google the best way of making it before I made them any.

“I’ve got a film studies degree but that’s not really going to help anyone with anything.”

Booker has since started googling ‘sub-unskilled work’ and ‘non-jobs’.

He added: “It’s no big deal. The zombie script I’m working on is bound to get picked up by a film company pretty soon, so then I’ll be sorted.”