Public deliberately misled on whether cars can make you cool

MOTOR manufacturers deliberately misled consumers into believing car purchase could make them cool, it has emerged.

Industry regulators highlighted television adverts with dance music, stunt driving and sexy, stubbly actors as examples of how manufacturers create the false impression that their products could make buyers cooler.

Consumer affairs expert Nikki Hollis said: “The motor industry has thrown up a smokescreen of cool around what is essentially a rocket-powered bucket for getting your fat arse from work to home via the supermarket.

“A person with a fancy new car is the same as a person with a fancy new fridge – just their old self, but with an expensive trinket that makes them look a bit insecure.”

Hollis highlighted so-called ‘supercars’ as an example of how buyers are being misled.

“Old wizened millionaires line up to buy these things, but the futuristic design just makes them look even more ancient, like Davros from Doctor Who in his dalek cart thing.”

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “I spent sixty grand on a new Jag but I am no more like Daniel Craig than I was before.

“My piles haven’t magically healed up and sultry women still don’t invite me to come and have a shower with them.”

Car manufacturers now face legal action and possible advertising restrictions that could make them use Keith Chegwin in all their promotion materials.

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Superyacht mostly used for watching telly

A BILLIONAIRE has confirmed that his £300 million ‘superyacht’ is only used for activities that could be carried out in an average sitting room.

Julian Cook revealed the futuristic, 43m-long vessel features a kitchen with Michelin-starred chefs and a ‘salon’ with a huge marble coffee table and coasters made from original sketches by Picasso.

He said: “That’s where I like to watch Foyle’s War and eat Monster Munch.

“Occasionally I look in on the underwater viewing room, but fish are actually very boring, so I just use it to store old copies of Practical Caravan.

“I should probably host glamorous parties for A-listers, but I don’t know any. If I rang George Clooney completely out of the blue it would just seem creepy.”

Despite being able to sail anywhere in the world, Cook has never bothered to move his yacht from its south coast mooring.

He added: “It’s very handy for the Waitrose in Dibden.”