Clegg Pondering Ghastly Act Of Necrophilia

LIBERAL Democrat leader Nick Clegg is today wondering whether he should have sex with something that is obviously dead.

He doesn't even have to buy it dinner

In the aftermath of the one most deceptively tedious election results in decades, Mr Clegg has called for a period of reflection before he decides whether or not to ejaculate into a rapidly stiffening corpse.

Sources said the business secretary Peter Mandelson will act as matchmaker and has already begun to organise some form of ghoulish wedding ceremony before the stench becomes unbearable.

A Downing Street insider said: “Peter has asked a mortician to manipulate the corpse’s face so we can recreate that wonderful smile and then we’re going to plaster some bright red lipstick on it. It’ll make a lovely photograph.

“We’re still debating whether to dress the body in a kilt or go for the classic morning suit accompanied by a rather nifty top hat. Though admittedly the kilt will make it a lot easier for Nick to access the err… hole.”

The source added: “During the vows Peter will fill in for the corpse, what with it being dead, and then we’ll take them both to a really nice two star hotel near King’s Cross and give Nick some privacy to go about his unspeakable business.”

A Lib Dem source said: “The corpse is quite heavy and unwieldy so Paddy Ashdown and Ming Campbell have offered to hang around for a couple of minutes and help Nick heave it into the right position – probably bent over a chest of drawers.”

But a Conservative spokesman insisted: “It may well be that the voters are sending us a message about the first past the post system, but surely that doesn’t mean you have to fuck a dead guy.”

Meanwhile there are growing concerns for Mr Clegg today after his cheeks swelled up, obscuring his eyes, nose and mouth before eventually bumping up against each other in the middle of his face.

A spokesman said: “It started shortly after the polls closed. I’m sure it’s just an allergic reaction but I have to admit he is starting to look like a gigantic arse.”