Clegg Pondering Ghastly Act Of Necrophilia

LIBERAL Democrat leader Nick Clegg is today wondering whether he should have sex with something that is obviously dead.

In the aftermath of the one most deceptively tedious election results in decades, Mr Clegg has called for a period of reflection before he decides whether or not to ejaculate into a rapidly stiffening corpse.

Sources said the business secretary Peter Mandelson will act as matchmaker and has already begun to organise some form of ghoulish wedding ceremony before the stench becomes unbearable.

A Downing Street insider said: “Peter has asked a mortician to manipulate the corpse’s face so we can recreate that wonderful smile and then we’re going to plaster some bright red lipstick on it. It’ll make a lovely photograph.

“We’re still debating whether to dress the body in a kilt or go for the classic morning suit accompanied by a rather nifty top hat. Though admittedly the kilt will make it a lot easier for Nick to access the err… hole.”

The source added: “During the vows Peter will fill in for the corpse, what with it being dead, and then we’ll take them both to a really nice two star hotel near King’s Cross and give Nick some privacy to go about his unspeakable business.”

A Lib Dem source said: “The corpse is quite heavy and unwieldy so Paddy Ashdown and Ming Campbell have offered to hang around for a couple of minutes and help Nick heave it into the right position – probably bent over a chest of drawers.”

But a Conservative spokesman insisted: “It may well be that the voters are sending us a message about the first past the post system, but surely that doesn’t mean you have to fuck a dead guy.”

Meanwhile there are growing concerns for Mr Clegg today after his cheeks swelled up, obscuring his eyes, nose and mouth before eventually bumping up against each other in the middle of his face.

A spokesman said: “It started shortly after the polls closed. I’m sure it’s just an allergic reaction but I have to admit he is starting to look like a gigantic arse.”

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National Trust Revamps Historic Dogging Site

THE UK’s oldest dogging site has been re-opened by the National Trust, with interactive stranger sex displays and cakes.

Barrow Wake, near Stroud in Gloucestershire, was first used for copulation during the Bronze Age, when travellers would attach maroon-coloured rags to their carts as an indication that they were looking for a casual hump.

It reached its peak in the early 19th Century and was even mentioned in Jane Austen’s Mansfield Park when Fanny Price explains that her muddy knees and squinty bonnet are the result of ‘a jaunty bout of Frenchman’s intercourse upon the Barrow Wake, with Mr Deakins, a magistrate’.

Its popularity waned due to underinvestment and television and by the 1980s it was reduced to nothing more than a beautiful spot for a picnic or a Sunday afternoon hand job.

But thanks to a National Trust takeover, Barrow Wake has been relaunched as an interactive fuck-park with antique condom displays and a cafe serving ‘hot drinks’ and locally-made chocolate fancies that look just like a black man’s penis.

A National Trust spokesman said: “Furtive sex with strangers is an important part of England’s cultural heritage, but sadly in these intolerant times many of our old dogging areas are being given over to pointless, family-based activities.

“We’ve installed a ‘Seven Ages of Dogging’ display which takes visitors through the site’s history and includes a stunning waxwork diorama of someone getting a reverse Dutch steamboat in a Mazda Bongo.

“There’s plenty of used condoms around the site so children can have a ‘treasure hunt’, and hidden speakers mean you are never more than two yards away from the sound of someone ejaculating.”

He added: “Visitors don’t have to engage in sex with strangers but if they do feel the urge to be taken roughly up the dirt box they will have an excellent view of the Malverns.”

Grade-four dogger, Martin Bishop, said: “It’s great how you can learn something about history while getting noshed off by a sad-eyed Gloucester housewife with split ends.

“My only complaint is that you have to go through the shop to get out, which is a bit cheeky. However I did purchase a charming snow globe showing a miniature gang-bang in the back of a Ford Transit. Mother will love it.”