Clegg to set more achievable goals

FOLLOWING his failure to push through House of Lords reform, Nick Clegg is to attempt less ambitious things like making roast potatoes.

Nick is almost ready to experiment with seasoning

Clegg’s defeat in the AV referendum and U-turn on university tuition fees are believed to have caused lasting damage to his self-esteem. He has engaged the services of American life coach Francesca Johnson to rebuild his shattered psyche to the point where he can look in the mirror without crying.

The ‘deputy prime minister’ said: “I will dedicate the next few weeks to perfecting the art of cooking a really good roastie. Crispy on the outside, soft and steaming in the middle.

“Also it would be nice if I was a bit better at typing.”

Francesca Johnson, who also wrote 25 Steps to a Less Gullible You, explained: “When I first met Nick, he was convinced he was an important and influential person.

“We are focusing on things he can actually do.  Nick has been able to tie his own shoelaces for several years now, so for the last few weeks he has been repeatedly tying and untying his shoes.

“One day David Cameron burst in and quickly tied Nick’s shoes with a double knot, which Nick can’t undo yet.  I just don’t understand why people do things like that.”

Johnson says the road to recovery is a long one, warning: “Nick is still in a very dark place.”  This is believed to be the Deputy PM’s constituency, Sheffield.