Clegg to set more achievable goals

FOLLOWING his failure to push through House of Lords reform, Nick Clegg is to attempt less ambitious things like making roast potatoes.

Clegg’s defeat in the AV referendum and U-turn on university tuition fees are believed to have caused lasting damage to his self-esteem. He has engaged the services of American life coach Francesca Johnson to rebuild his shattered psyche to the point where he can look in the mirror without crying.

The ‘deputy prime minister’ said: “I will dedicate the next few weeks to perfecting the art of cooking a really good roastie. Crispy on the outside, soft and steaming in the middle.

“Also it would be nice if I was a bit better at typing.”

Francesca Johnson, who also wrote 25 Steps to a Less Gullible You, explained: “When I first met Nick, he was convinced he was an important and influential person.

“We are focusing on things he can actually do.  Nick has been able to tie his own shoelaces for several years now, so for the last few weeks he has been repeatedly tying and untying his shoes.

“One day David Cameron burst in and quickly tied Nick’s shoes with a double knot, which Nick can’t undo yet.  I just don’t understand why people do things like that.”

Johnson says the road to recovery is a long one, warning: “Nick is still in a very dark place.”  This is believed to be the Deputy PM’s constituency, Sheffield.



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Olympic Village rife with regimented, goal-based sex

OLYMPIC athletes are engaged in lots of sex, which they see as some sort of physical endurance challenge.

The gathering of 10,000 young, fit, unfeasibly highly-motivated freaks in an enclosed space has fuelled intense media speculation about whether they have genitals.

Sprinter Tom Logan said: “We Olympians consider intercourse to be a form of cardio.

“Personally I commence my intercourse session with five minutes of ‘warm up’ which is usually six times ten repetitive tweaks of my partner’s nipples.

“Then it’s on to the thrusting component of the sex workout. This is my favourite part because it’s horizontal so it doesn’t strain the tendons or ligaments.

“I like to have my coach in the room, yelling encouragement like ‘Go Tom!’ and ‘You’re almost there!'”

Tom’s trainer Stephen Malley said: “I’ll stand over Tom while he’s having sex, squirting isotonic sports drink into his mouth to keep him hydrated.

“He’s managed to get his finishing time down to 1 minute 4.46 seconds which is very impressive.”

American hurdler Emma Bradford said: “I try to deter my sexual training partners from kissing because it doesn’t burn calories fast enough and I’m not interesting in developing my mouth muscles.

“Also it encourages the sort of emotions that are not conducive to victory.”