Corbyn not saying sorry until the Jews say sorry

CORBYN has refused to apologise for being anti-Semitic until the Jews apologise for calling him anti-Semitic. 

The obstinate Labour leader has confirmed that he will give a full and unqualified apology for all the little anti-Semitic incidents he has been caught in as soon as Britain’s Jews give him a full apology for their disgraceful slurs on his character.

He continued: “I’m not being petty but they started it.

“Yes, anti-Semitism is a terrible thing and by coincidence a lot of people I know are into it, but is it really more serious than besmirching a great anti-racist campaigner such as myself?

“All that I ask is for them to come to me, bow their heads and say ‘We’re very sorry we called you an anti-Semite, Mr Corbyn’ then I will say ‘Sorry for being one’.

“After that the matter will be laid to rest and we can get on with discussing more important issue, like library closures, NHS dentists and how awful Israel is.”

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Fancy bread doesn't even fit in toaster

A LOAF of artisanal no-knead sourdough bread is too fancy to fit in a toaster, it has been confirmed. 

27-year-old Nikki Hollis was disappointed to make the discovery after spending close to £5 on a pleasingly mis-shapen loaf covered in nuts and seeds and other fancy bits.

She said: “It looks great. It tastes pretty good. But can you toast it? No.

“I tried slicing off all the bits that didn’t fit, but it just fell to pieces. I tried rotating it to toast bit by bit, and ended up with a burnt central section and two untoasted ends.

“It’s not an unreasonable request, that bread should be toastable. But even trying’s littered the toaster with mad seedy lumps that set on fire.

“Am I meant to buy an artisanal toaster too? I don’t think I’m cut out for this. It’s back to Hovis for me.”

She added: “In theory I could put it under the grill, but I used it for bacon in 2012 and I still haven’t cleaned it.”