Ed Miliband to join Scooby Doo Gang

ED Miliband is to quit the Labour leadership and join a gang of amateur detectives led by a ravenous Great Dane.

Miliband admitted last night that his brother David becoming the head of International Rescue is more impressive than him becoming prime minister.

But he now believes he can leapfrog his brother by joining an organisation that has a much better ‘hit-rate’ in apprehending evil-doers.

Miliband said: “When you look beyond the scary, abandoned fairgrounds and the massive sandwiches, the Scooby Doo gang is actually doing some really important work in the community.

“But I want the gang to get more involved, particularly with schools and the elderly. I look at Shaggy and I see a young man, perhaps lacking in confidence, but with tremendous potential.”

He added: “Many of this country’s abandoned fairgrounds are actually owned by devious Bulgarians who want to scare away developers and keep the gold for themselves.

“I’m not suggesting that all Bulgarians are scary fairground owners, but by tackling the sort of immigrants who are not contributing to Britain we can make the Scooby Doo Gang relevant to ordinary, hard working families.”

Scooby Doo said: “I’m delighted that Ed wants to get involved. We just have to pinpoint what his strengths are. Because we already have a Velma.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Tesco launches economy music range

BRITAIN’S leading supermarket is to manufacture a blandly efficient range of Tesco Value Music.

Its first product will be Catchy Song by Girls Who Sing, a band whose members are distinguishable only by how their hair is parted.

A Tesco spokesman said: “Household budgets are being squeezed, so there’s a real need for no-frills music that provides a vaguely cheerful backdrop to domesticity.

“Initially there will be four products – Catchy Song, Sad Song, Sexy Song and Drunken Shouting Song.

“Perfect for soundtracking a variety of activities from dancing to just sitting around having the menopause.”

An initial version of Catchy Song was released earlier this year via Tesco’s streaming service Blinkbox, but was quickly withdrawn after being found to contain traces of dub reggae.

43-year-old Caroline Ryan said: “The first half of the song was fine, it worked perfectly.

“Then the singing stopped and there were lots of weird echo effects. A voice started repeating the word ‘Jah’.

“My children were nodding their heads with their eyes shut, like zombies. No mother wants that.”