Nurses to be trained in nursing

NURSES will be trained to do other things instead of just looking busy and pretending to be doctors.

Under a new regime nurses will have to spend a year helping patients eat, wash and get dressed in what experts describe as ‘nursing’ or ‘being a nurse’.

A department of health spokesman said: “The nurses will only have to be nurses for a year. Then they can go back to finding other ways of being far too busy to wipe you.

“Changing dressings and administering drugs is very demanding, especially when you’re doing it to someone who really stinks.”

The spokesman added: “We thought you didn’t really need to be fully trained to look after people when they are really ill in a hospital full of other really ill people.

“Turns out you do.

“For instance it appears that you need extra training to notice that someone has been stewing in their own filth for days. And then you need to be trained to do something about that.

“But, perhaps most surprisingly, you can’t not feed them.

“It seems that, in most circumstances, that could make them even more ill.”

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Flapjacks 'gang weapon of choice'

INNER city gang members have swapped guns for flapjacks.

After teachers in Essex highlighted the deadly potential of oats baked with Golden Syrup, street criminals have been switching to edible weapons.

A spokesman for Stratford’s notorious Kill Dem Crew said: “You can use a really sharp-edged flapjack to poke someone to death, then wipe it off and consume the evidence.

“Although flapjacks are fucking horrible, eating one is very slightly better than going to prison.”