England strangely drawn to terrifying Scottish woman

VOTERS in England last night found themselves terrorised and seduced by a medium sized Scottish woman.

As SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon continued to not f**k up a pandemic, English voters admitted they found her deeply threatening ‘but in a good way’.

Jane Thompson, from Hatfield, said: “She’s a combination of Suzi Quatro and Sir Alex Ferguson. But I understand that all Scottish women are exactly like that.

“Noisy, efficient and utterly merciless.”

Julian Cook, from Finsbury Park, said: “She’s strong like Thatcher, but with a human touch that says, ‘I’m going to let you live, but on my terms’.

“She will now conquer us because we are led by M&S mannequins that don’t even have heads.

“But I think Sturgeon’s will be a mostly benign dictatorship and I have no objection to adopting vile Scottish habits if that becomes the law.”

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Ask Holly: I thought I might sing a song at this debate

Dear Holly,

I’ve got to do this debate thing tonight, but seeing as no-one in the universe will be voting for me, I thought I might sing a lovely song, or maybe perform a soliloquy from Richard III. Maybe then Alan Yentob will be watching and offer me a job on Top Gear? Or even Watchdog. I’d be happy with Watchdog.



Dear Nick,

What is really annoying is that grown-ups won’t let children give their opinions about stuff or let us have a vote, but then you make us listen to you going on and on about BORING politics for weeks and weeks and expect us to be in the least bit interested. If I was prime minister I would ban all mention of politics, cancel the general election and give everyone in the whole world a free My Little Pony. That’s how you change lives for the better.

Hope that helps,