Everyone a winner in Holborn fire

A LONDON fire has been hailed as a hero after thousands got the afternoon off work and Mamma Mia! was cancelled.

The underground electrical blaze in Holborn resulted in local workers being freed from their drudgery to stand outside smoking fags while watching the cool-looking flames coming through the pavement.

35-year-old bystander Mary Fisher said: “You think of big fires as being a bad thing, but I was just about to go into a difficult meeting about a project I had badly ballsed up. Now I’m free and I’ve just met a sexy fireman who wants to take me to a wine bar.

“There should be more fires. A medium-sized street blaze every Friday lunchtime would be great.”

The fire has also been described as a champion of culture after causing the postponement of numerous West End musicals and something with Benedict Cumberbatch in.

Fireman Stephen Malley said: “Generally I am against fires but this is a rare example of a ‘positive blaze’.

“Naturally Londoners get a bit antsy when they see smoke coming from the ground because they assume they are finally being dragged down to hell.

“But everyone behind the cordon seems to be getting along. Look, there’s some kids with ghettoblasters talking to a pensioner. It’s like a video for a Michael Jackson song.”

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M&S clothing sales up as Britain stops caring about appearance

BRITAIN has returned to buying clothes from Marks and Spencer after realising that caring about appearances is shallow and worthless.

After years of falling clothes sales M&S is benefiting from a new trend in simply wanting to cover our naked bodies with some material held together by thread.

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, said: “I want to wear trousers but I don’t want to care about the trousers. I just want them to be trousers and I think that’s all M&S wants too.

“With the Blue Harbour range M&S clearly started with the concept of just making some clothes. No fashion statements, no desire to appeal to individuality, just clothing distilled to its most basic essence.

“It’s like being a Chinese communist. I love it.”

Jane Thompson, an averagely proportioned person from Stevenage, added: “I have wasted so much money on clothes. It is insane.

“Now I just want people to appreciate me for who I am. That’s why I went to M&S and bought these purple and beige culottes, even though they didn’t have them in my size and apparently never will.”