Poor people must eat gentrified burgers

FAST food outlets in poorer areas must become a bit fancy, it has been confirmed.

An increase in takeaways in working class areas has prompted concern from academics that they might not have antlers on the walls and exposed brickwork.

Dr Emma Bradford said: “There is a growing divide between the less wealthy – who get their meat and chips from garish places with plastic seats, strip lighting and staff wearing baseball caps – and the professional class who eat theirs in darker rooms with kitsch art and handsome servers in black jeans.

“The changes required aren’t massive. For example a council estate-type kebab shop could simply dip its chips in the fryer three times, making them triple-cooked.

“Or they could put their fried chicken box meals on little wooden boards with handles alongside a blob of ‘slaw’ that nobody ever eats.

“The food itself can remain the same, it’s the superficial cultural trimmings that need sorting.”

Health officials have begun gentrifying selected fast food outlets, with mixed results.

Roy Hobbs, manager of Chick-N-Bite in Gloucester had the name of his restaurant changed to Poulet Vous: “They made us double our prices, put in fifties school chairs and said we can’t play any Rihanna or charty rap, it has to be FKA Twigs.

“But I dug my heels in and we agreed to meet in the middle at Sam Smith.”

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Channel 5 unveils documentary about middle-class arseholes

CHANNEL 5 is making a documentary about feckless, irresponsible idiots who happen to be middle class.

Stupid But Somehow Affluent features the same appalling decision-making as Benefits Britain, but with less terrifying dentistry.

Producer Tom Logan said: “Viewers will meet Nat, an Oxford university student who’s been spunking his parents’ money on weed, coke and recording equipment he doesn’t know how to use.

“Then there’s Roger, a 55-year-old engineering company director whose family’s luxurious lifestyle is about to end because he hasn’t paid tax since 1995 and  instead spent the money on ‘classic’ cars and a Polish prostitute.

“And for comic relief there’s Charlotte, a scatty 40-something who’s never had a job because she’s too busy writing unpublishable children’s books and drinking wine during the day.

“Although she’s dependent on benefits, that’s not scrounging because she has tasteful framed prints in her flat and sounds like Mariella Frostrup.”

Logan denied the show’s participants were being manipulated, saying their only inducement was being told they could be famous and earn millions of pounds.

TV viewer Nikki Hollis: “I loved it when Sally the middle-aged housewife completely fucked her family’s life up by becoming a jihadist. I felt really superior.”