Even I’m not sanctimonious enough to turn vegan, says Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has admitted that even he is not self-righteous and smug enough to become a vegan. 

The Islington North MP, who he judges everyone he meets and finds them all morally lacking compared to himself, believes veganism is a bridge too far. 

He continued: “Don’t get me wrong, I think I’m better than everybody. Point at any random MBE recipient and I’ll be like ‘Where were you when I was campaigning for Cuba in 1991?’ 

“But vegans, Christ. I mean I’m on more of a broad spectrum when it comes to my innate superiority, so between me going on about gay rights and unions and Hamas at least there’s a bit of variety. 

“But this vegan couple I know, Simone and Gavin, honestly it’s their only topic of conversation. One time when I was with them I ordered the cheeseboard, and they still act like I slaughtered a cow in front of them. 

“No, I’m sorry. I may not have a car, and I don’t eat meat, and privately I spell ‘America’ with three Ks, but it’s just not in me to be that much of a self-satisfied arse.” 

Corbyn’s friend Simone said: “Actually we’re fruitarians now. So to us Jeremy is worse than Hitler.”