Farage to take Trump to pub he pretends to drink in

NIGEL Farage has offered to take Donald Trump to the pub he pretends he drinks in whenever he wants to appeal to the common man.

Trump’s UK visit will include a trip to The Ram in Stevenage, where Farage’s people will ring ahead to get the landlord’s name and which football team he supports so that Farage can pretend they are friends.

A source said: “Farage will ask ‘and how are the hammers of Arsenal, Tony?’ while the landlord smiles politely.

“After he and Trump pretend to enjoy the taste of real ale , the evening will conclude with a visit to Farage’s ‘favourite’ Toby Carvery where they will eat several mouthfuls of food for the camera before both going to throw it up again in the toilets.”



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Loser with women bluffing his way through mate's break-up

A MAN with very little experience of relationships is really having to wing it as he helps a friend through a painful break-up.

Tom Logan has been forced to help recently dumped friend Martin Bishop with information gleaned from popular cliches, films and guesswork.

Logan said: “I keep saying break-up things like ‘plenty more fish in the sea, mate’ but it’s as if he’s still not ready to move on after four days.

“I might not be the best person for this because I’ve only had three crap semi-relationships, but I’m sure he’ll soon get over Emma if I keep him busy with fun stuff like Laser Quest.

“I’ve noticed that on telly men always go to the pub for serious chats, so last night I made Martin drink 16 pints while I talked to him about 90s action films.

“Unfortunately he just got irritable then really depressed from all the alcohol, but at least he got some good rest after becoming completely unconscious.

“It’s important he doesn’t become properly depressed, so I’m emailing him several times a day with links to mental health websites.”

Bishop said: “I really wish Tom would stop trying to set me up with his weird, desperate female friends and saying I have to ‘get back on the horse’.”