Farage stalked by ‘bellend killer’

THE ‘assassination’ attempt on Nigel Farage may be the work of a serial killer with a grudge against bellends, police believe.

After the UKIP leader’s car was apparently sabotaged, detectives said they were looking for a psychopath who may have had a traumatic childhood encounter with a twat.

DI Tom Logan said: “We believe a disturbed individual has seen Mr Farage’s hellish ‘bloke down the pub’ routine or heard him slyly stigmatising Eastern Europeans and thought ‘Christ, this guy’s a fucker.’

“The ‘Bellend Killer’ probably had a boorish uncle who thought he was being terribly daring by telling racist jokes.

“It’s entirely likely they will strike again, so we’re urging Jeremy Clarkson to go about his business, as normal.”

He added: “We did assign bodyguards to Mr Farage, but after six hours of him wanking on about ‘eurocrats’ and ‘Herr Merkel’ they left him tied to a tree by a busy road.”