Gordon Brown's Raging Psychosis: Part 4,680

OH hello there, today's story of schizoid behaviour involves the chancellor, Alistair Darling…

One day Alistair got up and went to work. When he arrived at his desk he saw a note from the governor of the Bank of England saying that absolutely everything had gone wrong and they better have a cup of coffee and a chat.

Alistair went to see the governor who kindly showed him lots of graphs with all the lines going down very steeply. "This is awfully bad" thought Alistair,  "no point in trying to be all cheerful about it."
Later that day Alistair sat down with a nice journalist from a fancy newspaper and told her that absolutely everything had gone wrong and that we were all going to die.

Alistair went to bed that night thinking he had done the right thing and vowed to jolly well try his best not to make all the bad things worse.

But a few hours later, as he lay snuggled up in his favourite pyjamas, Damien McBride and Charlie Whelan kicked Alistair's door in and dragged him screaming from his bed.

After hitting him very hard on the back of the head with a sock full of coins, Damien and Charlie threw Alistair into the back of a van and took him to the prime minister's dungeon.

Alistair used to get on with the prime minister very well, but just lately he had come to realise that he was violently insane.

"Hello Alistair" said the prime minister, "I see you've been talking to the newspapers."

"Yes," said the nervous Alistair, "thought it best to just tell people how terribly bad everything was."

"Well, quite," said the prime minister, thoughtfully, "but you see, the problem with that is I'm now going to have to rip off your testicles with this pair of pliers."

The prime minister, who is always true to his word, then inflicted massive, excruciating pain on Alistair, all the while whistling his favourite tune from the latest Arctic Monkeys album.

When he had finished the prime minster washed all the blood off his hands and went back upstairs as poor Alistair lay on the floor, calling for help and drifting in and out of consciousness.

Alistair didn't really like having his testicles ripped off with pliers, but at least he learned not to say silly things that would get him into trouble.

Until today, that is… Oh Alistair!

Tomorrow, part 4,681: 'The prime minister gives Alan Milburn a bath'.


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Cheryl Plans Ghastly, Nouveau Riche Divorce

CHERYL Cole last night unveiled plans for a lavish and vulgar divorce involving lots of matching suits and a really big smoked salmon.

The nation's sweetheart announced her separation from some footballer yesterday followed by what experts described as an 'absolutely hilarious' request for privacy.

Prime minister Gordon Brown and Conservative leader David Cameron have both telephoned the singer and agreed to set up a cross-party commission to explore ways of helping her cope.

Meanwhile thousands of Guardian readers are today expected to make a rare visit to the websites of the Sun and the Daily Mirror in a bid to discover what the Cole split says about society.

Cheryl fan Wayne Hayes said: "I just feel so sad for her because her life has just been getting better and better since she knocked the shit out of that black woman in a nightclub toilet."

According to friends of the X-Factor judge the divorce negotiations will take place at a beautiful country house hotel in the Cotswolds, with guests including Christine Bleakley and Frank Lampard, selected cast members from The Bill and the Gary Linekers.

Cheryl's lawyers will be wearing matching Burberry tartan suits and bowler hats and will use their Burberry umbrellas to form an honour guard for Cheryl when she arrives wearing a beautiful Burberry two piece and carrying a £12,000 Prada bag full of Chewits.

For the issuing of the decree nisi the High Court in London will be decked out in beige roses and Burberry taffeta and the final terms of the divorce will be sung by Michael Bublé to the tune of R Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly.

The guests, including Sharon Osbourne, the cast of Ready, Steady Cook and the Gary Nevilles, will then each receive a glass of Cristal champagne and a deep fried prawn.

Celebrity marriage analyst Joanna Kramer said: "At the end of the day we must all remember that this is really about two lovely young people who were once very much in love and now have to face up to the emotional trauma of a failed relationship."

She added: "That actually sounded quite convincing didn't it? Fuck their privacy."