WEEDY education secretary Michael Gove has promised to reinstate school sports funding as long as he can be picked first by the tall, healthy boy who looks like Robert Pattinson.
Mr Gove has also raised the prospect of extra money if he can take all the penalties and free kicks and be shirts instead of skins.
The next year will see the 43 year-old minister shanking the ball into the long-jump pit and telling everyone he has been offered a trial by Man United but turned it down because he is a lifelong City fan.
He said: “I have enormous respect for the training facilities at Old Trafford but unfortunately the club library was woefully lacking in early Thackeray.”
Mr Gove’s mother said: “We always dreaded sports day, having to wash the skid marks out of his PE kit and telling him that just taking part was all that mattered when we knew deep down that it really, really wasn’t.
“When he lurched into a career in politics we were as naturally horrified as any parents would be, but it now seems it was all a ruse to get a small plastic cup with his name on it.”
Mr Gove added: “This funding will help establish once and for all who is the speccy ponce who can’t kick straight and who is not.
“And I think you will find that Robert has picked me because of my qualities as a footballist.”