Gove reinstates school sports if he can be picked first

WEEDY education secretary Michael Gove has promised to reinstate school sports funding as long as he can be picked first by the tall, healthy boy who looks like Robert Pattinson.

Mr Gove has also raised the prospect of extra money if he can take all the penalties and free kicks and be shirts instead of skins.

The next year will see the 43 year-old minister shanking the ball into the long-jump pit and telling everyone he has been offered a trial by Man United but turned it down because he is a lifelong City fan.

He said: “I have enormous respect for the training facilities at Old Trafford but unfortunately the club library was woefully lacking in early Thackeray.”

Mr Gove’s mother said: “We always dreaded sports day, having to wash the skid marks out of his PE kit and telling him that just taking part was all that mattered when we knew deep down that it really, really wasn’t.

“When he lurched into a career in politics we were as naturally horrified as any parents would be, but it now seems it was all a ruse to get a small plastic cup with his name on it.”

Mr Gove added: “This funding will help establish once and for all who is the speccy ponce who can’t kick straight and who is not.

“And I think you will find that Robert has picked me because of my qualities as a footballist.”



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British media urged to do the decent thing with a revolver

BRITAIN’S media has been urged to go into its study with an old service revolver after the Daily Telegraph
had to trick Vince Cable into revealing Lib Dems and Tories don’t
get on very well.

Across the country, abused audiences said they could not stomach another day of it as experts confirmed that Britain’s media organisations were now smearing fresh stool across the bottom of the barrel just so they could scrape it off again.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “When I saw the business secretary was the subject of an undercover sting, I asked myself – is he dealing drugs? Is he involved in some sort of scam? Or perhaps he’s just a dirty bastard?

“Turns out the answer is none of the above, but the Daily Telegraph has decided that undercover reporting should now be used for gathering Vince Cable’s gossip.”

Meanwhile, as the Telegraph’s political editor was getting little girls to do his job for him, the Today programme’s John Humphrys accused Wikileaks of peddling ‘tittle-tattle’, while deploying a straight fucking face.

But the interview with Julian Assange was cut short as the Wikileaks editor choked violently on his tea and was rendered clinically speechless while the flagship Radio Four programme devoted the next 20 minutes to following up some piece of bullshit they read in the Times.

Professor Brubaker added: “The Daily Telegraph is showered with awards because it offered to buy a CD-ROM with MPs expenses on it.

“The Guardian is currently even more pleased with itself than usual because it’s publishing classified information that not a single one of its journalists helped to gather.

“The News of the World proclaims itself as the greatest newspaper in the world because of its rare journalistic ability to record mobile phone conversations.

“And the Daily Mail continues undaunted in its sacred mission to turn everyone in Britain into a fucking nutter who believes rape victims are asking for it and that it’s fun to bully people with cerebral palsy.

“Meanwhile Sky News persists with Kay Burley and is just gagging to become a UK version of Fox News, squirting the contents of Rupert Murdoch’s incontinence pants at us 24 hours a day, while the BBC no doubt plans to replace Brian Hanrahan with either Tess Daly or a morbidly obese cat.

“We have reached the point where the best journalist in Britain may actually be Noel Edmonds.”