Government announces crackdown on blaming police cuts for crime

THE government is to impose minimum 10-year sentences on anyone attempting to blame police cuts for rising crime, it has announced. 

The crackdown aims to eliminate the scourge of anti-austerity views, which have doubled in the last 18 months, from Britain’s streets and offenders have been promised ‘no mercy’. 

Home secretary Sajid Javid said: “When ordinary people are unable to walk the streets without being assaulted by criticism of government policies, the time has come to act. 

“A full quarter of the Met’s officers have been reassigned to stamp out these gobby, insolent traitors who threaten the very fabric of Britain and have even infiltrated the ranks of the police themselves. 

“We’re particularly concentrating on the aftermath of moped robberies, where the streets are full of offenders openly saying ‘Where are the police?’ and ‘It’s all these bloody cuts.’” 

Javid also announced a prevention programme, educating potential offenders to protect themselves by blaming all rises in crime on the EU instead. 

Moped robber Bill McKay said: “No, it’s definitely nothing to do with cuts. Am I free to go now? I’ve got some phones to shift.” 

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We did it for the moaning reactionary gits, say D-Day veterans

BRITISH soldiers stormed the beaches of Normandy for people who like to have a good moan about teenagers and modern life in general, they have confirmed.

On the anniversary of the landings, those who took part said it was all to help today’s miserable sods criticise young people and pretend everything was better in the past.

Former soldier Tom Booker said: “As machine guns raked the beach I prayed future generations would invent a weird nostalgia industry where the war was a ripping adventure and everyone was cheerful thanks to Vera Lynn.

“I was also keen that people like Boris Johnson would use WW2 to whip up idiotic jingoism against the EU. Defeating the Nazis was just a bonus.”

Spitfire pilot Roy Hobbs, 93, said: “I was fighting for a world in which stupid idiots would be free to pretend the 1940s were great even though they were born in 1952.

“I was almost killed by a Messerschmitt but it was worth it if it helps Telegraph readers imagine every single human under 45 is a drippy PC-obsessed imbecile who wears adult nappies.”

Housewife Emma Bradford, 56, said: “Young people today are useless because they’ve never garrotted an SS guard. I haven’t either, but that’s different.”